years on
so i've been in this shit programme for a few years now, studying something i would rather not and doomed for a job i kinda dread. and i still cant find the answers for myself.
why am i doing this? it doesnt make sense to me anymore. here i am, stuck halfway in a programme studying something i didn't choose and i have to give up 5 more years of my life after this to make up for the education that i never wanted in the first place. dont get me wrong, its not like i dont want to study. i'm just not studying what i want. i'm not going to be working in a job i want. and all for what? its not for me. it wasnt even my choice in the first place. i can tell you here and now that signing those contracts was not my choice.
its not like i'm not having a good time here. i've made some really good friends here, had lots of fun on occasions, but there are times when i cant find any answers that will satisfy me. why the hell am i doing this?
case in point - it just hit me all of a sudden last night and there was no consolation whatsoever.
sure i can still get out of this teaching gig at the end of the five years, but to what? more teaching? fuck hell no. unless its private and they pay me shitloads of money for a small amount of time, then i might consider it. but i dont have any intrinsic motivation to want to continue with this nonsense.
i dont see what i'm getting out of this. my education is being monitored, we're under fucking surveillance and i have no idea what is being reported back to my sponsors. whether its a fair report or not, i dont know. either ways, you can count on me not being in education for very long. my heart is not there, i dont feel challenged by it, and at times i just get bored by it. and in a job like teaching where apparently there's so much required from the teacher, how do you expect me to put up with it for 5 years.
why should i have to PUT UP with things like this?
what if i just made tons of money here on a side job and then vanished? after my degree ends maybe? but we'll see. i just cant stand being stuck like this.
there are some things i really like however. but those have absolutely nothing to do with what i'm studying or where i'm headed after i'm done studying.
- i live on my own. no parents. automatic YAAY.
- outside my studying my free time is spent how i like it.
- i have good friends here who are really supportive and kind and generous.
- good food in nz. they gots korean food here. and good sushi. and lots of yummy meats.
- i like how uni doesnt have a stupid dress code like some unis do back home.
- i like how approachable the lecturers are here, and we dont have to come up with stupid titles every time we address them
- they rate programmes and movies and then dont censor it! thats what the ratings are for!
- nice clothes here. really nice shoes too.
- they gots lush here.
so there you have it. the little things that make it not too bad for me here.
but when it comes to the crux of the matter, what the hell am i doing here? and who am i doing it for? what am i going to get out of it?
call me an ingrate if you want, but i'm getting fed up of not knowing what i'm doing here.