aotearoa part 2
continuation from the last entry..and this has deeper thought into it, somewhat.
whats worrying me most right now is how things are going at home. i dont know if there's much i can do, and i also dont know if what i'll do will have much of an effect. the family's kinda just falling apart even more so now than it has been in the past few years. its just been a downward spiral.
so anyways, i get this message from my brother about how bad things are for him at home. i kinda knew this would happen because, well, i know how the family works. i've seen things get real ugly once and i get this feeling the same thing may happen again. maybe the most i can do is be the middleman. which is something i've decided from an early age i didnt like being, but maybe in this case i dont really have a choice.
its painful to see things fall apart and not know if anything you do can make a difference, but i suppose anything is worth a shot. at least you tried. i guess..
i dont know how to start about this cause its just been going awry for a long long time. who's to blame? i dont know. my parents? me? my brother? maybe God? i dunno. i really dont. but blaming people is not going to solve anything, if anything can be solved at all. i know there are no quick fix solutions to this but there might be temporary solutions to help a lil bit here and there.
maybe its just the guilt that i'm not there. that maybe i left things to get as bad as it does. who knows. maybe things will get better. maybe they'll get worse. or maybe this problem will just feed on itself and because its unsolvable just dissipate and one day there'll be this question hanging as to how it all started in the first place. or how it went wrong.
FAMILY ISSUES?? WHO HASN'T GOT THEM??
i know for a fact that each family has their own set of problems. whether these problems can be solved or not probable depends on how people take them and how they decide to treat each other in light of whatever wrongs have been commited.
i hate the fact that I have to do something about it. i know its family duty and what not but fuck that, i'm tired of it. i'm going to church to keep my parents quiet and i'm in NZ because well..i think my parents were just too chicken to let me study something else. its not like i dont have issues with my parents either, because i do. and it doesnt help that i'm expected to be middleman to solve this.
i guess another problem is the fact that my mother could never admit that she was wrong and take back what she's said. she will never say "I'm sorry, i was wrong". she puts herself as the third person "Mummy's sorry". what is that?? why is it so hard to say that you were wrong?
maybe, lets face it, we never really bonded as a family unit. maybe its the whole adoption thing. maybe..
--> cue depression music to distract me for a while.
i dont know how my parents feel about this. it cant be easy knowing that these children you wanted and raised as your own never really felt close to you. how painful is that? all these years and then what? they just up and leave and never ever look back. all they think about is leaving. it sure as hell dont help that you push them away either.
if they knew the truth bout me, how i felt about beliefs and what not..i dont know how they'd take it. i cant keep living more of my life for them. i cant keep doing things to keep them happy. thats not just how it works. be the perfect daughter and i've never lived my own life.
its just sad.
how do we work this out? i mean its great that i hear bout my brother, and he's keeping in touch with me and all, but that only means that things are real ugly at home. when i do hear bout him from my parents, its because i asked about him. and i only hear about what he's done wrong. he says he thinks he hates my mom and that he thinks my mom hates him.
what about my dad? i think he's stopped caring because it hurts too much. either that or he's given up altogether.
maybe they've never accepted the fact that their kids just dont want to be like them. maybe that. but if you ask me about whether i've ever really felt close to my parents, the answer is NO. if you ask me whether i'm looking forward to seeing them again at the end of the year, the answer is, again, NO.
i just got an email from my dad...the irony.
god knows when this entry will end..
so he says he just got back from vietnam. yadayada....whatever. he should know more than anyone that i'd rather not be here. why is it that parents feel like they have some divine duty to decide whatever is best for their kids career-wise? fine, i accept the whole guidance excuse, but if the original preference was not something bad like being a pimp or whatever, then where's the harm in that?
hunnie was telling me earlier this evening about this cousin of hers that she has who was really quiet and stuff and then one day got all suicidal cause she didnt know how to deal with what was being expected of her and what not. her parents wanted her to do medicine and she wanted to be a kindergarten teacher. apparently she lost it one day, and completely exploded at her parents. and said NO WAY she's doing medicine. and today she's a kindergarten teacher.
i'm not doing what i want. i'm not happy about it. i'm pretty good at it, but it dont mean that its what i want to do.
man this is one sad entry.