so you think you like puns, eh??
The following has been taken from this week's edition of CRACCUM. thought it'd be an interesting read. enjoy it :)
CAPITAL PUNISHMENT by VITAL SWANK
My first affair with written English was a scintillating and mysterious one. at a tender age of six, during my first week of primary school, i remember coming across a spell-sheet with all of our common one-syllable words dotted across it. i distinctly recall reading the word THE and not havinga damn clue as to what the hell it was. this memory is now accompanied with a strange duality, as i remember seeing THE unbeknownst definition, despite hindsight plainly identifying that THE was clearly THE and not just some grouping of alien symbols. what has this anecdote got to do with the rest of this piece? not much, really. i just thought it would help make this the definite article.
since then my love of english has grown into a near obsession with its more poetic parts. i'm not so much into wordplay as i am full blown compounded word molesting. i am a menace to society - an outcast - lurking under the radar, hiding below the surface. were this the sea, i'd be anemone of the state. my languid creepiness has gotten to the point where children now cover their i's as i pass them in the street. when you're a registered text-offender, if seems everyone gets noteified of it.
puns are my most preferred weapon of choice. i believe that a quip is all the equipment you'll ever need to face the ugly, scowling realities of this world. with puns ar your command, you have your finger on the pulse of the language, your ear to the ground of communication. you are poised and charged - like a battery - Eveready at any moment to ride a wave of good vibrations as you pluck the strings of speech, and spin yarn from the threads of conversation.
it is my belief that puns are the single greatest asset to the english language, and thus should be treasured accordingly. they come in many genres and forms, ranging from the pop-culturally relevant:
Punk: dude, i just heard you should totally buy the first Killers album
Punk'd: oh? and where did you hear about that?
Punk: SOMEBODY TOLD ME
to the self-referential:
Pundit: Man, my puns are like office-tower blocks
Pundit: WORK ON SO MANY LEVELS
to the contextual:
George FM Chick: Here! Free condoms! Take them! I'm the Santa Claus of safe sex
Me: does that mean that your catchphrase is no loner HO HO HO?
unfortunately, puns have also garnered a bad rap over the years as illustrated most recently with the rise of hip-hop evolution also stepped in, so that now whenever the average personhears a phrase turned on its head like a tern turning its head (i'm so sorry), they emit an instict-driven, guttural groan, instantly recognisable and universally known the world over. this pun-groan is a unique mixture of pain, annoyance and sheer irritation, as if its originator has just been subjected to a surprise on-the-spot catheter insertion. for too long this knee-jerk action has gone unquestioned, and something must be done. hence why the editors have taken issue with it, and why it's ended up here. in a magazine. issue. yeah. too subtle?
there is only one possile solution to the widespread outbreak of punitive hatred: find the most awesome, multi layered, complex puns this language has to offer. and after doing a bit of digging (ie looking on wikipedia), potential punters have been exhumed in the form of Tom Swifties.
Tom Swift was a collection of nancy drew-esque serial novellas written by the Stretemeyer Syndicate under the pseudonym Victor Appleton. these novellas are characterised most notably by the abundant and formulaic use of adverbs during the dialogue (ie "Watch out!" exclaimed Tom, "I dont feel very well," said Tom faintly, "You've been sleeping with my teddy bear!" accused Tom). a Tom Swifty creates a pun by taking the adverb and making it a pun by linking it to what was actually said by the character. confused? here are the best examples:
- "i manufacture tabletops," said Tom, counterproductively
- "I'm wearing my wedding ring" said Tom, with abandon
- "I came, i saw," Tom concurred
- "Who discovered Radium?" asked Marie, curiously
upon discovering these wonderful pieces of prose, my heard went aflutter and a party began raging in my pants. enthralled, i tried to come up with some of my own little ditties:
- "I accidentally served meat in a vegetarian convention" said Tom mistakently
- "you know, i think its time for some heroin," Tom interjected.
- "I think i have an STD" said Tom rashly.
granted, these are highly content-specific, but so fucking what. good puns should be like good chemistry: all the right ingredients, in all the right quantities, creating highly volatile reactions with the right timing. thus resulting in loud noises, cries of pain and surprise, and leaving people burned and oddly sexualised (the other kind of chemistry). And that's not counting the times the conversation goes unclear.
hopefully this dialogue has opened your eyes and stoked your appetite for all things paronomasia and punch lines. after all, if this world is a pie, you only get one slice of life, and it looks as though you've just been served.