this is hard to write
i'm writing this is hunnie's room. very nice of her to offer to use her internet. kudos!
i dont know how to write this since i know iain reads my blog. cause its about me and him.
there's a break in july, and that could be a time for me to go back and have my computer looked at (yeah..) and see iain again. but bizarrely enough, i'm actually reluctant to go back. because if i see him again, it means leaving him again. i should be jumping at the chance to see him, and yes, i was excited about the opportunity to see him again. but the idea of me leaving him again..its very painful. it was painful the first time and it will never get easier.
then he said mandy's coming to kuching in july...i dont know what to make of that. ok, so she'll be in kuching. and yeah, they might probably meet up...ok...
there's the issue of them still in contact. and i've got a lot to say about that but its so hard to tell him that because i know it means a lot to him to make sure she's alright. he told me once that he promised her to take care of her. and if he could keep that promise by making sure she's alright, then...well, you get the point. i know it means a lot to him, and i know it means a lot to her to be able to still talk to him and whatnot so it'd be unfair for me to step in and go "WOI! DAH LA!". i know it means a lot to him, and its not easy for me...teeth-grittingly hard. and a lot of patience. but because it means a lot to him, its not fair for me to just tell him to cut that off.
he wants to make sure she's alright..how is this helping her move on? isnt it making her dependent on him? isnt doing this somewhat leading her on? doesnt she have friends to talk to? bottom line is, does she really need him to move on? she's a big girl. i know she meant a lot to him and vice versa but...
i hate to sound like a bitch but i have to let this out somehow.
i know this may not be true, but at times, it feels like i have to share.
if this upsets him, i'm sorry. i really am. but i dont know how to handle this situation. i dont know if i'm handling it the right way.
hell, i dont even know if i'm completely okay with them still being in contact.
this is the one way i see where he gets to keep his promise to her. i know how much that means to him.
then there's the issue of july. i promised to talk to my parents about it, and i will. but i cant make any promises about coming back, and he knows that.
i miss him. i really do.
called him just now to talk for a bit.
honestly, i really have no idea to tell this to him.
its been weighing on me for the past few days.
its been weighing on me for quite some time actually.
its not just going to go away.
why is it taking so long? CAN you actually let go of her?
i know i probably shouldnt have resorted to writing about it here and just tell you, but i dont know where to begin or how to begin and how to go about it. i'm sorry if this'd upset you.
sounds lame, i know.