this is the first entry in a long time and i need to get tons of stuff off my chest. just for myself (and i know i promised myself i wont make this blog too personal but i need to do this right now) lets do a review of the long awaited 6month break that feels like it just flew by:

MAJOR EVENTS THIS 6 MONTH BREAK:

• i had and ended a relationship that i cant explain to myself why i went through. main reason i went through it, looking back now, is because i really did think no one else would ever want me. low self esteem, poor self image i guess. i know i get the looks from guys from time to time, but its not about that. i'm looking for an actual human connection. it was about wanting to find someone who would want me for who i was whom i could relate to and respect as an individual and an equal, but when i did find someone who simply wanted me, the scary thing is that i just settled for it. i'm really glad and so relieved that part of my life is over.
• made some new friends who have, in turn, made my life so much more colourful :) i still get a bit weirded out by them from time to time, but its all good.
• had my first job. it was at the church kindergarten. and strangely enough, i feel attached to those children. kinda miss them actually. but i think i screwed up my job cos for the last month i was working there the Dragon Lady In Charge of My Salary cut my pay by half cause i didnt show up for work for 2 days. but that doesnt bother me cause i was in it to kill time rather than make money.
• found an equal who is a unique and special individual, of whom i think the world of. and for whom i'd do anything.

and now we come to the main event.

Q: what is bugging me so bad that i made myself throw up my lunch (i have bouts of depression/bulimia) and cried over? and need to *gasp* blog about?

A: i'll tell you what made me throw up my lunch and cry. and need to *gasp* blog about.

in a few days, if i dont do anything about it, i'll be signing away 9 years of my life. 4 years to study a course in a university overseas that didnt have that course to begin with and only started up the course because they would be gaining at least 20 international students. and then 5 years working back my 4 years of so-called free education (YEAH RIGHT!) as an english teacher.

so what exactly are we dealing with here?

the theme of filial duty vs personal fulfillment. thats it in a nutshell. thats the big problem that led me to hurl out my lunch and cry over and *gasp* blog about.lets list it out in steps and stages so it looks less messy than it already feels like:

IN THE BEGINNING it was an offer under a certain organisation/trust fund (MARA!! its MARA!! them money-grubbing mismanaging buggers all deserve to die a fiery death) to do the cambridge a-levels locally and then continue to be under their sponsorship to do my degree overseas, most probably the UK. i would've been doing BEd TESL in warwick if it was the UK. but ithere was a bond, i'd have to work for them as a teacher for 5 years.  

THEN i went and did the a-levels, and i remember my dad saying "just go try it out, if you dont like it then just quit and i'll pay back" (KIV that statement for now) it seemed simple enough, 3 subjects to study, score at least ABB in the a-levels and get at least 13 out of 15 points for those 3 subjects.

AND THEN it took 2 years to do my a-levels. we did it in 2 parts; advanced subsidiary (AS) after the 1st year and advanced level (A2)  after the second. combine the two to get a final grade. reason we did it this way was because we would have a better shot at scoring the 13/15. if we messed up the first time we did the AS we can retake it with the A2. and so on and so forth.

THINGS GOT UGLY when the whole tesl batch did so badly for the first round of AS. we had to re-sit those papers 3 months later cause of complications unique to the subject we took (damn you english lit..you killed my love for reading) i did well, but not everyone did.

THINGS GOT UGLIER when it we were told "okay, you all not are not going to the UK, you're either going to australia or new zealand...wait, you really thought it was final you were going to the UK? you didnt read the fine print did you? your offer was OVERSEAS, not the UK". that got me slightly miffed but i just...swallowed it down and shrugged it off.

BUT THEN there was always this feeling of dread and of a dead end the more i thought of working back for this organisation i have been warned not to name, not even in my blog.

ITS MARA, by the way.

truth is i've never wanted to be a teacher, and while it is a decent profession, noble some would say, i've just never been attracted to the world of academia. it has a lot to offer and i know i can do very well in this field but its not what i want. i dont mean to make it sound like its beneath me and that i'm too good for this but i dont see the point of studying hard nd pushing myself for 4 years just to work back 5 years, so i dont owe them money, and then finish my deal with them. and then what?

only reason i'm doing this is for my dad. remember what i told you to KIV? well, i did try asking him once if i could just quit this programme and do something else. his answer was just NO. no explanation after that.

and in the next few days, there'll be documents arriving from this not-to-be-named organisation/fund which i'm supposed to sign in order to finalise everything. my dad's been paying for so many things, my travel expenses to sort out all this, the passport, the visa, the medical checkup, the gadgets..et cetera et cetera. i need to tell him but i feel so heavy hearted to do so but if i dont it'll be 9 years of putting up with a lot.

and how will i answer myself when i look back as to why i did it? cause my dad told me to... its not valid enough for me. it wont recover 9 years worth of effort. is it worth it? doing it for my dad? hate to sound selfish, but no. its not.

i want out. i want out real bad. i just hope its not too late.

so that was the 6 month break review up till the 5th of december 2006. this girl needs to go make some calls to find out some things. lets all hope that things start working out well for her, no matter what the outcome of this to sign/not to sign dillemma may be. till then, may God or the many gods have mercy on us all.