blearrggghhhh
we are officially at THE halfway mark in the current exams and have exactly 3 more papers to go. i personally dont know if i dont give a damn if i do well or not, cause technically, if my results suck, i might not continue studying for a while. i just feel so tired by it. so my 6 months break just got longer. haha. im in a semi-zombie mode cause i think i fell asleep around 4 and was up again by 7. so things are going to sound disjointed.
EXTENDED 6 MONTHS BREAK?
my roommate and i were talking last night and we realised that if we dont make the cut with mara to go NZ, there's a TON of opportunities lying ahead of us to do what we want. personally, i do NOT want to be a teacher and neither does she. reason i gave this a-levels programme a shot is because my dad said so. not a very responsible excuse, i admit, but i was drifting around at the time. there is a chance we dont have to pay back after we finish the a-levels for the cost we took up, but that remains unclear. and last night, while we were talking about BTN and when it is and what not, it hit us: ITS NOT SUCH A BAD THING IF WE DONT MAKE THE CUT. for one, we dont have to work back the 5 years. we also have a choice to opt out of mara. and then things are in our own hands. it'll be tough and i'm kinda prepared for that because i'd rather have my own decisions shaping my life rather than some sponsorship board that doesnt need to inform me about any changes in policy or in any terms and conditions.
i know people say i can quit after working 5 years for mara, but by then i'll be at least 30. i'm 20 this year. i dont want to look back and think i spent at least 10 years of my life doing something i didnt want to do in the first place. thats at least a decade!
actually i'm kinda hoping i'll fail. its sort of my ticket out of this deal. i can handle it well, but i dont know about my parents. they're proud that i got this offer, but i cant keep living my life for them. it'll be tough for them, and it wont seem filial or whatever, but if i cant answer to myself about what i did and why i did it (and give a good answer at that) then that's being irresponsible.
thing is, if you WANT to be a teacher, and you WANT to teach English, this is the programme for you. not ME.
SO what do i want to do?
if i dont make the cut, i wont be studying for a while. i think the intese pressure-cooker environment in the very cut-throat world of academia has practically killed all desire of longing to know. maybe take courses in something and work my way up. it'll be tough, but at least it'll be MY call. i want to take control of the decisions made in my life and i'd rather suffer the consequences of that and deal with the responsibilities of that then have a board of directors up in the sponsorship department make life-changing decisions for me, and are not obliged to tell me of any changes in policy or terms and conditions.
EVENT ORGANISING
thats what i want to do. me and my roommate were talking about it, and maybe it was the reason we were brought together. i mean we managed to pull together 2 events with minimal resources and it went..well!
sound crazy? we plan to start our own "party-planning" ; firm by the time we're 30. ambitious no?
if all goes well and we're rolling in cash from all the hectic work we have to do, i plan to reitre early.
if all goes well meaning i dont make the cut.
and all you people who read this entry have just witnessed a life-changing discovery.
if i fail to meet up to mara's expectations, so what?
a failure is only a failure if you dont do something to turn it around.
i hope if you read this, it'll spark something in you to take chances in life. i have yet to take mine, but i know i will. cause life's too short to waste on stuff you'd rather not do.