TumBLe DRY
no, i'm not mad at the world again. okay, maybe i still am. but the issue i blogged about yesterday is still on my mind and a comment someone left made me do some thinking.(please refer to it if you want to follow this one..it should be right below this entry past the comments
) yes, its true, that it takes guts for someone to say what they're feeling and it hurts when you dont get a response. its unfair for them too. well, i guess the bottom line of this issue is that its so hard to communicate cause:
- he's on a whole different island.
- calling is a problem cost-wise. even messaging takes up a lot of credit..okay, i know i'm being a little stingy but i call it being economical and realistic.
- even if both of us were on the same island doesnt guarantee we'll be able to meet. (KIV:separate lives). by the way, the last time i saw him was almost 2 months ago. i hate not being able to see him, and i hate not being able to be there for him. there are times when all you or the other person needs is a hug and some reassurance, but with the whole damn south china sea between either one of us, the word "hugs" in a message just doesnt have the same effect.
i want to believe him and trust him so bad, but its so hard. i mean:
- you (and you here refers to myself) have an idea in mind about what he is based on what he says he does. then you find out that he is not, actually, that way. then it hits you that you never really noticed it and you convinced yourself into believing whatever it is you wanted to believe about him. basically building an illusion. and you feel like he's just been throwing you scraps to feed your fantasy. it feels so stupid, and i dont blame him for anything, i blame myself. i find it very hard to forgive myself, so its hard for me to just let go of everything and trust him so easily. let me just quote something here, something somebody said about edward albee's play "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf":
"In short, the 'message' of Mr Albee's play couldn't be more terrible: life is nothing, and we must have the courage to face our emptiness without fear" - Diana Trilling, "The Riddle of Albee's WAofVW?", Claremont Essays, 1963. (yes i memorised that) - its even harder when its someone who really honestly genuinely cares about you and wants the best for you and you trust.
i'll be seeing him in about 2 weeks time, and i really am excited about that. i know there's a lot of clearing up to do and getting things out in the open, and i hope it ends well..
he says he's afraid of losing me. my friend says im afraid of love.
if he does read this i hope he understands where i'm coming from and that i miss him so much. i'm actually on the verge of crying, but i wont cause i'm in the computer lab.
besides, i've got an image to uphold 