i dont think i can trust guys that easily anymore..if its trusting them to take care of me and look out for me and all that, i still can, but if they're asking me to trust them on a more personal level, then i dont think i have the capacity to do that anymore. it isnt entirely my fault.

lets just relate the entire painful incident.

he was my friend's cousin. i didnt really look at him in that kind of light and at first, i didnt even dare to think i could want him. but slowly things just kinda got out of hand, and then i found myself wanting him..BAD MOVE, AL. first of all, he could never possibly love or care about anyone more than himself. and i was just a silly girl with a stupid crush. play with fire and you'll get burnt. i guess i was asking for it. he might want to meet up again. i'll go along but i dont think i'll go as far as i did the last time cause back then, it took ages for me to forgive myself. and when i finally did, all the pain, regret and shame went away. i just dont think i can do that to myself anymore.

so now, i've been reading about all these stories of guys who cheat and lie..basically just scum. maybe its paranoia. but i just cannot take it if the one person i fall in love with betrays my trust. yes, i guess i get emotionally attached very easily. so i guess that means i fall in love easily.

if he does read this, i hope he knows i was quite hurt..i dont really know by WHAT exactly. maybe it was cause he was being quite callous and insensitive. but i just want him to know that i did have feelings for him, and they were very real. it just hurt so bad because i wasnt getting anything back from him...it was going nowhere. i didnt see anything beneficial from me getting involved with him other than my own downfall. what i needed, he couldnt give.

i dont hate him. i do miss him. i miss his company cause despite everything, he's alright. he can really take care of someone if he wanted to. and he was funny.

i wanted an emotional connection - he just couldnt give it i guess.