i'm so confused...actually not really

so blogging so early in the day? (granted, it is 3.20 pm here, but i just got up-more or less)
 
a couple of things have been on my mind since before i slept, resulting in very strange dreams. after about 12 hours worth of sleep, i think yeah i'd have strange dreams. and its been a long week. let me lie in bed and rot away till mid-afternoon. damn those dreams were strange. and if you know me, you'll know dreams can really affect me. 
 
but back to whatever.
 
i'm a little worried about the flight. not worried la, its been taking up space in my head. as it should. here's the thing. its a cheaper option to fly to brunei or singapore. i'm saving about 2-300 dollars here. next thing? getting to kuching. there are no flights from brunei to kuching. hence, i'd have to go down to miri and take a flight back. can you imagine this journey back to auckland? kuching-miri-brunei-auckl and. URRGGHHH!!! i heard there'll be flights operated between brunei and kuching starting sometime in october, but i cant leave it so last minute. or can i? hmmm. the other option would be to go to singapore, and take a flight back. i dont know how much that'd cost, but it'd be far more convenient. maybe on monday after work i can go to the travel agents again and compare prices and what not. and what i love is that some of these places have a LOWEST PRICE GUARANTEE thing where they'll beat any competitor's price :) hurrrrraaaaaah! i know i could go to JB from singapore and then take a flight back from there via airasia, but i have no credit card right now (i want to get one next year specifically for travel purposes) and my dad's in japan. i dont wanna trouble my mom cause i know she's got enough to deal with at home. so...lets list out the options so that i can think properly:
  • BRUNEI. glancing at the travel itinerary they printed out it looks like a non-stop flight there (YAY!) as opposed to stopping in Brisbane or somewhere in between. its a $263 dollar difference between the flight i'm considering taking to KL (YAY!). i can go back on the 12th nov (YAY!) which also means no extra payments for accommodation here (YAY!) however, that means finding a way from brunei to kuching...there are no flights as far as i know (BOO!) i guess i could take a bus down to miri or something (OK...) maybe spend a short time in brunei looking around? (HMM...) maybe talk to aud about this? (HMM...)
    SO THATS 4 YAY!s, 1 BOO!, 1 OK... and 2 HMM...s
  • SINGAPORE. there'll be a stop in Brisbane or whatever (BOO!). its a shared flight thing with Qantas and BA (HMM...) there's also about $200+ to be saved (YAY!) i could take a bus down to JB, i mean, zarina's there, so if i need a place to stay (HMM...) i guess i could take MAS back, since airasia has that stupid 15 kg baggage limit thing.( HMM...)
    SO THATS 1 YAY!, 1 BOO, 0 OK... and 3 HMM...s
since i might be able to pull of brunei with aud, i guess i'd talk to her about it. if i travel to singapore, i'd most likely do so alone unless i go with zarina. hmmm..plenty more thinking to do.
 
anyways, my damn fridge. the ice has melted and it smells of chemical and water. very strange combo. maybe i'll only report it after i book my flight/s. i need money right now, and god knows i'm working my ass off for it. i think something just fell down in that damn fridge. uuurrrrggghh... i guess it wont be such an inconvenience having all the stuff in the kitchen since its only down the hall and to the left.
 
accommodation next year...i still have no idea whats going to happen. i cannot afford a $500 deposit to secure my contract and ya da ya da. i missed the meeting with jackie cause i was working. GOD DAMN THAT WAS A LONG DAY. thank god the new girl leaves on monday. she's quite bad at it. and lillian and mary think so too.
 
man...work just makes the week fly by. cause i have no idea of time when i'm working. i'm just rushing rushing rushing. and rush some more. 
 
i'm SO glad its the weekend.  
08.31.07 (8:45 pm)   [edit]

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you know i'm stressed when...

  • i'm listening to incubus - maybe its brandon's slightly whiney voice. maybe its his lyrics...or i dunno.
  • i take long, LONG showers. the water helps.
  • i stare into spaces
  • i start to obsess over little things
  • i list things out

so yeah

 

anyways, keep fridges and freezers that frost easily far FAR away from me. i just wrecked my fridge and i'm dead worried about how much the repairs will cost me. i need the money for the ticket and i just might be able to afford brunei.

the story goes like this...i couldnt close the door cause the frost was in the way. this is my little fridge here btw, not the big fridge in the kitchen. so to get rid of the frost, i chipped away at it with a knife (YES, i do know how to stab things with a knife) so then i hit something and something went SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS. uh oh. umm....just carry on. a few hours later, the thing smells funny, the ice is melting on its own and we have to evacuate the food there into the kitchen.

there is some severely heavy bastard outside who cant seem to walk quietly. STOMP STOMP STOMP STOMP. maybe he's overcompensating.  WALK QUIETLY BITCH!!

 other than that...

its been an ok day. i got paid for last week. the new girl at work is absolutely rubbish at what she does, i'm glad she's leaving next week. everyone at work and just randomly was in a good mood. maybe cause its friday. except this one indian food stall owner who was a mean jackass. i was asking about something and he made me feel stupid. thats one customer less for you buddy!

went to the maori expo too, after work. had some yummy round bread. that was good. and bought this yummy bread that taste real good with chocolate spread and chunky peanut butter. mmmmm :)

it was more like AUT's open day than a maori expo. the only maori thing about it was that there were words in maori under some signs and there were maori people walking about.  and i bought a new bangle. its a snake eating its own tail made of wood. (do i need to get laid? :P)

i noticed the mussel stall was up too. they had some good mooseek going on too. i heard one really good song...i think it was the rolling stones. cant remember it now.

and the man who sold me the bangle was really nice actually. he said HALLO and made small talk with all his customers. and when i bought my bangle he commented "you really like that one huh" cause he kept seeing me looking at it. and then he said "you can try it on" and i did. and i didnt put it down after that.  :)

then went back. and dropped by travel agents.

anyways back to the mussel stall. i remember seeing them at the lantern fest a few months back...in autumn. and at the malaysia carnival. hmm, they're these tall, well built, tattooed, maori and samoan mussel cooking team. and YES they do use that cheesy line "You want some mussels?" "OI give her some mussels already!" and they flex...yes they flex... :P and one of them asked hunnie at the lantern fest "ok whose number do you want?" :P think there's a new member to the group tho. saw him today.

incubus priceless. i havent heard this in a while.  

i hope i dont die eating the food that was in the fridge when the cooling thingy leaked.

if anyone ever EVER hurts iain...and i know he can defend himself...so help me GOD i will kill you myself. 

08.31.07 (3:44 am)   [edit]

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dont bother - be unkind

it appalls me sometimes how mean people can be to each other.
 
to a point where it seems that there is pleasure to be taken in hurting another person.
 
i do admit i've done it before. but i've fixed that. and i still regret being mean.
 
the big question is WHY? do you actually like hurting someone that way? humiliating and degrading them? i hope it makes you feel better because i dont see what you've got to gain by mocking people in such a way. if you had a point to make beforehand, go ahead and do it. and let that be that.
 
GOD.
 
MAYBE i am PMSing and a leeetle bit emotional. maybe its cause i watched scrubs since 5 pm (its now 9). but why be mean? why humiliate, degrade, mock, ridicule and all that? is that necessary?
 
just spit at them already.
 
you're like a bunch of impatient vultures circling overhead getting in heat from the yet-to-die carcass.
 
its one thing to act like a friend but its another thing to attempt to strip someone of their dignity.
 
call me arrogant cause i wasnt there. but is there still a need to be so mean?
 
enough with the blog wars. get your pitchforks and torches out and just rip each other apart if that'll satisfy you more.  
 
i dont know if i still have the amount of respect i had for you when i left.
 
go on. tell me to shut my yap cause i dont know what i'm talking about.  
08.30.07 (2:13 am)   [edit]

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jump for my love!

hey, its a nice song ok? and hugh grant danced his goofy dance to it in Love Actually, which is a great movie that makes you go "Aaahh..thats nice".
 
what have I learned about Love in my 21 years of life? well, its been some lesson. its had its dizzying ups and incredibly depressing downs. i might seem a little young to talk about such things, but who knows, maybe a few years (or decades) down the road, i'll be able to look back and go "right" and see where i've gone from then on. anyways, LOVE.
 
its great when you find it. and you better hold on when you do because not everyone gets to Love or be in Love. when you think about it that way, its really something very special.
 
the honeymoon/infatuation/sta rtout phase is great where you're learning new things about yourself and the other person. and its all exciting and new. but that'll have to give way to something greater in order for Love to sustain itself. and there will be times when it just seems so hard, and incredibly discouraging. then you've got to know for yourself if its all worth it. was it worth all that? is it worth saving?
 
and if your answer is YES, then i've learned that you've got to learn to look past your own Hurt and disappointment (aka getting over yourself) and reach out. it may hurt as hell but if the other person is hurting just as bad, or worse, someone has to make a move to save it.
 
in that moment of Hurt, all kinds of crazy things can run through your head. ALL kinds. but you've just got to find a way to deal with Reality (ie whats really happening, and not just whats going through your head). putting aside your hurt and reaching out. it may sound like you're side-stepping yourself for the US or Him/Her. then again, it cant be all about you can it?
 
i hate to sound preachy...but hey, its not just about one person is it? if it is, there's something terribly wrong with that. there's got to be compromise and working on coming together and forgiving and letting go and learning and yadayada..i cant think up more "together/us" terms.
 
its amazing how the week just zoomed by when i've settled into this routine. today wasnt too tiring at work, hence my ability to come up with this sorta post.
 
 
08.29.07 (9:13 pm)   [edit]

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"that is really, really expensive!"

lillian said that to me when i told her how much i pay for rent a week. next question was "is it a studio apartment?" heh, it might as well be. then she offered to help look for a place that is much much cheaper than that.
 
i just got home from work. god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god...
 
i just wanna sit down and make UUURRGGHHHHH!!!!! noises till my feet stop throbbing.
 
can you imagine over 6 hours of standing and cleaning? oh yes, i forgot. scrubbing mildew, which spattered back in my face. I JUST DID A MASK LAST NIGHT!! its a good thing i work with my mouth closed.
AND we had to clear out food today. i didnt get round to doing my floor but lillian and mary did and there's just so much food. ugh.....
 
my manager's NUTS. i seriously think so. i know she's just doing her job and something must be severely wrong if i like her. BUT SHE WANTS US TO CLEAN PLACES NOBODY SEES!! like the little cornice thing on the wall. and she never gives direct instructions. NOTE TO PEOPLE WHO WORK IN POSITIONS OF AUTHORITY/GIVE OUT ORDERS/LIKE TO COMPLAIN...if you have a complaint and need something done about it, BE SPECIFIC. we dont know what's wrong if you tell us "its not up to standard" or "there was a complaint from a guest today and it was very serious".  TELL US SOMETHING LIKE "ITS SMELLY...COULD YOU DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT?" or "THERE WAS HAIR IN THE SHOWER" or "THERE's MILDEW". i cant read your fucking mind. be specific. BE SPECIFIC.
 
and because of that...and the CRAZY attention to detail she wants us to pay (ok i'll talk about that later) i ended up working over 6 hours with no break. the amount of time i spent sitting down was shorter than most songs are.
 
 
UUUUURRRGGGHHHH!!!!!!
 
RIGHT. NOW. i explain to you why we cannot (we just cant, unless they hire more people) pay attention to so much detail:
  1. ALL THE ROOMS THAT HAVE BEEN CHECKED OUT MUST BE CLEANED BY 1 PM. 1300 HOURS.  the direct implication of this is WE are constantly rushing for time. CONSTANTLY. because check in is after 1 PM, hence, business will be directly affected.
  2. there's also the stairs that need to be done
  3. and the laundry room
  4. and the toilets at the stairs
  5. oh yes, there are showers to do too
  6. and also reception which needs to be VACUUMED, MOPPED and RE-MOPPED (in that order)
oh yes, there has to be no SMELL.
 
here's the thing....one person can only do so much. i do 3 floors within 4 hours. thats an average of about one floor an hour. PLUS they dont GIVE US THE PROPER EQUIPMENT TO DO OUR JOB. allow me to ELABORATE:
  1. the storage room where all the cleaning stuff is kept is MESSY. it is TOO FULL and TOO SMALL. there are racks of sheets in there, industrial strength cleaning detergenty stuff, mops and vacuums, plastic bags galore, laudry detergent too, more mops, duvets, duvet covers, boxes and boxes of jumbo sized toilet paper rolls, scrubs, brushes, etc...you get the idea. typical cleaning/storage place. BUT smaller than my room. in kuching as well as here. URRGHH!!
  2. there is NO VENTILATION - hence, even though we do clean the mops after we use them, they dont get aired properly.
  3. there are limited cleaning stuff to use...eg you have 3 cleaners but 2 mops. you have 3 cleaners but 1 vacuum for cleaning and 1 family vacuum. why the fuck you give us a family vacuum? the messes here are MORE SEVERE than the ones a typical family makes.
  4. there is NO TROLLEY to carry our stuff. we really do have to drag it in and out of the lift, from one floor to another. a trolley could cut down our working time by at least half an hour. ok? HALF AN HOUR.  
a word from someone who's working as a housekeeper/cleaner: NEVER trust how clean your room looks on arrival in a hotel or backpackers. we are on a time limit and we do cut corners. and you dont want the details. you really dont. and i would not let anyone clean my room if i was staying somewhere. the DO NOT DISTURB sign will always be hanging at my door. you can clean up after i'm gone.i'll leave it nice for you anyways. i know how tough the job is.
 
one of the ways we give the impression that a place is clean is my SMELL and GLEAM. if it smells good, it must be clean right? WRONG!! and if its gleaming, it must be clean right? WRONG!! but if it smells good, and looks clean, its gotta be clean right? actually you could be really WRONG THERE!!  what you are smelling is detergent. the gleam is from a mop, yes a mop, that has been run over (not like an accident) your tiles. BUT that mop has been EVERYWHERE before. so has that sponge. and the cleaning cloth. and the little brush thing. so there. it is NOT as clean as it looks. it just smells and gleams.
 
MY GLOVES BURST FOUR TIMES TODAY!! FOUR TIMES!!!! uuuggghghhh!!!!!!!!!!!
 
i swear to GOD i thought i was going to faint there. over 6 hours non stop...geez.
 
i need a shower.  
08.28.07 (10:13 pm)   [edit]

1 Comments

it slips through my fingers

i'm talking about money.

i hate this money issue. honestly i do. i mean...accommodation is damn expensive. and the ticket is due in a few weeks. i'll still be short, but i think i'll work some stuff out.

i just received my allowance today, and GOD DAMN YOU AUGUST FOR HAVING FIVE WEEKS. YOU EAT UP MY MONEY.

rent was real expensive in case you didnt get what i was talking about. and i cant imagine how other people are coping, especially with rooms more expensive than mine. this sucks man. the money that i get from my sponsor/scholarship is JUST enough to get by. they got some kinda analysis going on because it is just enough for rent and a lil bit extra besides food and necessities (eg: TOOTHPASTE)

anyhoo...since my money finally came in, i decided to treat myself to a chocolate cupcake mud mask by Lush. OHHhhh it is SO worth it. and I am so worth it too. then across the street, supre was having a sale, popped in and saw cheap shirt. i buy. come back and buy food. and aduh, pay rent.

at least i have my mask now. i really recommend Lush products because i use them and they're absolutely great. that is NOT an exaggeration. there have been a few things that have saved my skin in recent years. maybe if you have oily, slightly problem skin with annoying blackheads, you can try them too:

  • anything with TRICLOSAN. works great. the face wash from skinfood did it for me. and it was so cheap too! rm5 actually. i remember even the salesgirl at guardian was amazed at how much my skin improved. it got kinda awkward after a while cause she kept staring and complimenting me...and i was acutely embarassed.
  • st ives apricot facial scrub for oily/problematic skin with salicylic(i'm not sure how you spell it) acid. great for maintainance.
  • anything that has CLINDAMYCIN PHOSPHATE. and i recommend dalacin-t or c-mycin. unfortunately in nz these are prescription drugs so i cant purchase them. i am SO getting my mama to get it for me when i get home.
  • HERBALISM from LUSH. saviour of my skin!
  • CHOCOLATE CUPCAKE MUD MASK from LUSH that feels as good as it sounds. it smells like chocolate!
  • ROSA T OIL FOR ACNE SCARS...it really does work and i saw results in 2 weeks.

so anyways....there's all this other stuff from Lush i cant get just yet. my lotion's finishing too oh no...my skin so dry :(

my hands especially, since i dont wear gloves to wash dishes and stuff.

here's an offer/challenge for anyone to take up: get me a baby panda. i want one so bad. i know they're endangered and what not. but the cubs are so cute. just look on youtube for baby panda and melt watching them :P anyways, get me the panda. and i promise you, you can play with it when you come over and i'll never get mad at you :P

ooh i'll name it CHI. no, that was the name for a black and white dog. hmmm...maybe i name the panda....paddington :) i know paddington's peruvian. but its cute ok?

you know i'm having my period when i get so anal about how clean things are. like the toilet bowl. NO SPOTS ALLOWED. or the mirror. or the walls. or the fridge. freezer too. NO FROST ALLOWED.

08.28.07 (3:02 am)   [edit]

1 Comments

high school never ends

my wisdom tooth is growing out.
 
OW.
 
i still think pandas would be really cool to have as a pet. panda cubs. i mean they just eat bamboos right. and they're so cute and make squeaky EEEHH!! noises as cubs. and they like being carried. aww..
 
i actually have a mental image of mopping something. work is getting to me.
today i saw one of those...well, its one of those vehicles that drive around town promoting something. and it was for the radio station that sponsored my telemarketing job..."HI, this is allison, i'm calling in association with radio station mai fm 88.6..." i felt like throwing a brick at the truck.
 
"the brains i had went to my head"
 
still finding this blog hard to follow?
 
eyes by rogue waves 
08.27.07 (5:46 am)   [edit]

4 Comments

please stay...my babe...who knows when we'll dance again

i really should get started on that damn essay. i really should stop eating late at night, i think i'm putting on weight
 
i want a baby panda. they're so cute :) can you imagine? they'll make great living room decor and they can give you hugs when they're big.
 
here's something that just crossed my mind. WOMEN and their BOOBIES.
 
yes i am female. and yes i have my own rack. so do other women. what happens when you step out into public is that there's a possibility that people will stare/talk to your chest. its an extremely strange situation to face, especially for young girls, and MEN TALK TO OUR FACE PLEASE, but the fact is that it happens. what i cannot stand is how some people, including other women, can blame women for having their chests stared at. its one thing to talk about women who wear tops with plunges and whatnot, but some men just stare regardless. they stare at your chest even if you're in a coat, hell even in baju kurung too. maybe there are just men out there who are scumbags and paedophiles who wear sunglasses in public transport so they can ogle away at women's chests.
 
yes it happens.
 
a male friend told me once.
 
it has come to a point for me personally where i dont really care if people look or not, as long as i think i look nice. it might sound vain, but i'm dressing for me. and although i do dress to impress on occasion, thats a whole different story.
 
another thing to bear in mind is the context in which the chest-staring occurs. at a pool or beach where you're swimming, well..what d'ya think. in public transport..well, it happens. maybe i just learned to shrug it off.
 
its just disturbing how some women can blame the women for getting ogled and what not. HALLOO?? there are MEN who are just twisted ok? there are males who just STARE. maybe they're not getting any at home, maybe they're going thru a drought of some sort, maybe they're paedophiles. or maybe they dont realise it.
 
and if YOU are a male who STARES AT WOMEN's chests, to a point, it can be forgiven if you dont realise you're doing it, and need us to tell you to talk to our faces. but it is unacceptable when you stare with your mouth agape, or are in a position of authority in that particular moment.
 
boyfriends and significant others get first dibs so you're spared from my wrath.
 
MY WRATH.
 
but if you DO stare at other women's racks when you are with your girlfriend, i daresay she should slap you.  
 
i have had enough of people blaming women. blaming them for being raped, blaming them for getting stared at, blaming them for not being able to help themselves, blaming them for god knows what else. if anyone says that to my face...you'll get creamed for it. you know very well you will.
 
and if it dont get into your thick skull after that you chauvinist pig or you pretentious women with double standard...then go off and be on your own merry, inbred way.   
08.26.07 (12:17 am)   [edit]

4 Comments

LOVE GENERATION

many many thanks to iain for that song :) its so cheerful..i remember it was played during new years eve and me and iain were dancing to it. i miss that. actually i just miss being with him. oh well, it wont be long now. november's not too far away.
 
anyways, i was looking at my friend's friendster profile and he is such a sweetheart! my god! here is someone who treasures his friends and family, unlike us rotten scumbags who are caught up with outselves. w hat a sweetheart! he'd kill me if he knew i was thinking this of him, but he is a very genuine, humble person.
 
oh and i found that acoustic number they played in heroes. by coincidence..sort of. and yay i have it :D its on my multiply if you wanna hear it. and get it for yourself.
 
lets talk bout something fun.. and i daresay this is one of the most talked about topics at uni too, cause just about every pair of people or group talk about this topic. RELATIONSHIPS. cause i always hear people say stuff like "and i couldnt believe her/him...she/he *insert heinous act here*.." and so on and so forth.
 
new relationships are fun. there's that excitement. and this is regardless of a romantic relationship or a new friendship. and its just all round great.
 
when it comes to hard times, then thats when you'll find out who really is a friend.
 
as relationships mature, you tend to find out more about yourself. and more about how screwed up some other people can be. or how amazing they really are. but then again, we're not here to judge are we :P
 
while some people like the silence, or value their alone time, at the end of the day, we just dont want to be alone. we want to be surrounded by people whom we love and who love us.
 
great now my keypad's covered in chicken grease cause i was eating that.
 
anyways, thats that.
 
and relationships that stay with you are what make life all the more wonderful.
 
oh i feel so fuzzy now
 
HUGS FOR EVERYONE!!
 
and lets sing to KWEEN's DONT STOP ME NOW 
 
 
08.24.07 (10:24 pm)   [edit]

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the YO

everyone sing with me...."HE WASNT MAN ENOUGH FOR ME..."

anyways...the YO. i know iain uses that. and no one else. and someone else did. not here of course. enuff said :P

there's one performance coming up soon over at the vector arena that i think would be interesting to watch...the mooseekal for WAR OF THE WORLDS with a 30 FOOT ANIMATRONIC UFO THINGY and all :D

so i got free chicken from the kebab place. HURRAH!! the guy said they were overcooked but whatever. he gave them free.

does he live here, by the way?? not the kebab guy..some other person who's here a lot. A LOT.  

"you'll be saying NONONONONO when its really YEAYEAYEAYEAYEA"

 

happy weekend

08.23.07 (10:03 pm)   [edit]

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omigod the business school!

the new auckland uni looks like a damn airport! its sooo cool and NEW inside. it still smells new. there's electronic boards outside lecture theatres saying whats going on now and whats coming up next (omigod), there's pillars, the toilets look AMAZING, the carpet is sooo cool, the walls are black, there's surround sound in the lecture theater my class uses (btw i only turned up for 2 tutorials) and the lecture theater i go to is ROUND and its been designed so its somehow very conducive to sound and there's soundproof stuff so you dont hear echoes, and i think its been made in such a way you get no signal on your phone there. AAAHH!!
 
the auckland uni business school is way cooler than the auckland international airport..cooler than kuching..and my friend said it reminded her of singapore's.
 
i will not be surprised if there was a plane that landed there to be boarded. i mean, it looks like a damn boarding lounge with the screening thingy there. and there are no signs saying NO EATING AND DRINKING IN THIS LECTURE THEATER because its on the screen! and the furniture is black and white. HOW COOL IS THAT?? and the sinks in the toilets. WAAAAAAAAAAA...white sinks in a black toilet.
 
i just might lose my mind at the awesomeness of it all.
 
havent been to the fisher and paykell appliances auditorium yet. its called that, because those were the people who sponsored the place. fisher & paykell appliances. who are also responsible for the ovens in TRC.  
 
hey, i bet if you do a search for FISHER & PAYKELL APPLIANCES AUDITORIUM or FPAA or UNIVERSITY OF AUCKLAND NEW BUSINESS SCHOOL or UNIVERSITY OF AUCKLAND BUSINESS SCHOOL, this blog would show up.
 
apparently FPAA seats a lot of people... 
08.23.07 (1:26 am)   [edit]

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its the little things, eh?

so the room has finally been cleaned, laundry has finally been done in the past *undisclosed amount of time*. it just feels so gooood to come back to a room where there's nothing on the floor, there's no bits between my feet and the carpet, the bed is nicely made (thanks to a few tips i picked up at housekeeping), a nice clean fluffy towel after my nice hot shower...aaaah, this is great. i mean, the past few weeks have been so hectic i've barely had time to make the effort to clean up the room and all. let alone eat properly.
 
i barely noticed that by next week we'll be having our mid-sem break till i looked at the planner properly. my god, i think i've just been so occupied that it didnt hit me how quickly time was passing. wow.
 
anyhoo, i've been paid. HURRAH. and this friday i'll be paid again. and by saturday mara money comes in. oh HURRAH's all round.
 
days have become so long since i got the job now. its scrambling to find time to finish assignments, eat, and sleep. my god, i havent done a mask in a long while now, and i can see blackheads. AAARRGGHH!!!
 
i think i'm just tired. another night in i guess. so long student night.
 
another essay's due next monday. and i'm in deep trouble for that one cause i have only attended 3 out of 7 lectures. my own fault completely, i know. but i'm still screwed.  
 
and what is with my current like for christina aguilera mooseek?? she's got a good voice but there are times when she goes "ooho-oh-oOOOOOOOOOO ...." well, she still has a good voice. i'm glad she lost that dirrty image.
 
i have laundry in the dryer, should be done in about 10 minutes or so.
 
and here's another issue that i was thinking about...you remember those girls in school? the ones who had their names scribbled on toilet walls, the ones who had guys going after them, the ones who hung around other girls who were pretty enough. i admit, its wrong to generalise them all, i do know of one who has been an acquaintance since primary one, and was generally the queen bee in primary school. she's genuinely nice, and can be goofy. key word being CAN. but she is nice. and quite smart.
 
but thats not who i'm talking about. my focus here is on airheads. i mean...i got nothing against them, but wow. they really define VAIN. and i thought i was. and yes, the world goes around them.
 
i have to go look at my laundry now. and feed myself. i'm so hungry.. 
08.22.07 (12:23 am)   [edit]

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the magnificent, magical SHRINKING CHICKEN!

its true, my chicken shrunk.
 
i'm of course referring to the chicken i cooked and then heated up for lunch. maybe 4 minutes is too long in the microwave. makes it kinda leathery too...mmmm...
 
its strange how they still havent paid me at my current job. i tracked down all transactions and nothing showed up of a current deposit when my payment should've come in. the jobhunt has commenced yet again, and screw it, i cant get 20 hours at this current job. GOD i'd like to burn that place down. i am doing my job well and my nails have chipped (ok, just one) and its not an easy job. its extremely strenuous and GOD DAMN I WANNA BURN THAT PLACE DOWN.
 
 
08.19.07 (7:12 pm)   [edit]

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chilli flakes finishing

its down to the last bit at the bottom of the thingy. i'm glad i took the chili flakes from the free table last sem. about everything else i took, i dunno how useful they were. like my one bag of curry powder. but that vinegar dressing thingy is quite yummy. smells baaad tho.
 
so anyways, now that i'm far far away from home, and its election season back home, and there's the whole, in my opinion, witch hunt on political blogs...good GOD the government has got to find better things to do with their time. do things that'll make a real difference..like making sure the education system's working well. make sure everyone has access to quality health services. improve standards of living, raise them, and make a real difference for the people. thats whats important. authority figures will always have people who are not happy with what they're doing, but the bottom line is how much they've done to help people. i'm sorry if i sound simplistic and naive...no wait, i'm NOT. because that is why they were put there in the first place. you can argue that there's cronyism and corruption and compare them to past leaders etc etc...but is there a difference in people's lives?
 
me and my friend were talking about this last night. there was once when people were more fascinated by toyols washing ashore, UFO's, mystery animals in the jungles...sensation stories. when are we going to start making decisions that can really help people improve themselves? when are we going to start getting over these petty little sensations and do something real? i'm not saying we cant have a good laugh and lets all buckle down and get dead serious now..what i'm saying is why are we letting these little things overshadow more important things? and the number of people that bother to read tabloids on bomohs exorcising whatevers. geez..
 
once again...do something REAL. that'll help people improve themselves. Education. Health. Welfare Services. what about the Disabled? those with special needs? why arent they being given more ways to better themselves?
 
anyways. MOVING ON TO ME...
 
not much going on here. the usual rush for assignments. the usual messy room that desperately needs to meet a vacuum cleaner on top of other things..the laundry hasnt been touched in...weeks? oh god.
 
 
08.18.07 (8:40 pm)   [edit]

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ohhhhhh coffeeeee........damn youuuuuuuu

knowing me, i take coffee and i get hyper. to the point where my head is buzzing and i cant remember what i was thinking. and typing extra fast like i do now. and talking bout the weirdest things with people. and listening to songs i havent thought about in a while. ,maybe its a good idea to hit the gym sometime soon. work off all that energy,
 
plan for today was to start on the other essay due next week. GOD DAMN I HATE THESE ASSIGNMENTS SOMETIMES. actually its just tedious essays for education that i dont like. and stupid projects for stupid airy-fairy common-sensical subjects like language teaching. BAH!! i honestly do not enjoy language teaching at all. its like being tortured sloooowly. ugh. UGH. UURRRGGGHH.
 
mooseek from the 90's was not bad wasnt it..i mean there was lauryn hill, and usher...among others. thats all i can think of now.
 
maybe when i blog when i can think properly.
 
i havent showered yet.  
08.17.07 (10:05 pm)   [edit]

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running on empty

ok maybe today's title's a LEEETLE too dramatic. but i am quite exhausted. its been a week of watching season 6 of scrubs, working (and getting up super early on some days), staying up last night trying to finish that essay, working some more (for some odd reason i havent gotten my salary, hmmm) and now i'm tired out of my mind. no more thinking for the night. everything will be completely on instinct. maybe i could find one of those DO NOT DISTURB signs and put it on my door.
 
so there were free munchkins being given out at uni, exclusive for dessert club members, yippee. maybe i should have one now for a boost of energy. mmmmm....munchkins. there was a free sausage sizzle going on too, but i think i was too late for that. there was also a free concert being held by students from the mooseek school at uni today, but i was a little late for that too. oh well. its ok. i got free munchkins, turned in my assignment in on time and i have ONE free beer courtesy of The Fat Camel. hmm, maybe i should buddy up with that bartender guy. he seems like the kind who'll give out free drinks. he did offer once, when i came for the interview, but i declined, thinking it wasnt free. silly allie, of course he wont say its free. hmm...more munchkins now. ok this one's not so nice. anyways, him and this other girl from recption seem to be a lot more friendly than that surly sour-faced (she was a sour girl...) supervisor. oh well..
 
i came back and really took my time doing things. nice hot shower, nice lunch (as nice as my cooking allowed) and then realised my milk is expiring today. so i made hot chocolate. mmmm....and was falling asleep before i finished it :P so i finished that up and went to sleep..at about 3.30. and woke up just no..at about 8.30. you know how you can be so tired you cant really be bothered to take care of yourself? well..i kinda know how that feels like now. was half tempted to sleep till tomorrow, but i havent done that since i was 16 or 17. NO I DO NOT WANT TO BE BOTHERED ONLINE EITHER. unless of course your name starts with I and ends with AIN (thats IAIN btw, numbskull) or R and ends with (ACHEL)
 
I NEED MY REST.  i got my slow mooseek going..dim lighting..my big shirt and bed socks..i'd light a few candles too but i cant afford to set off the alarm..there's a $2000 fine or something.
 
LEAVE ME ALONE
 
08.17.07 (2:23 am)   [edit]

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note to self...

  • must not add too much chilli flakes to food anymore. consequences are dire and rather...painful.
  • must finish essay by today and edit and re-edit
  • must check bank account tomorrow for incoming money
  • must go to uni tomorrow to get free donuts. yay!
  • must bring desert club membership card to get free donuts
  • must buy formal dinner ticket while its still cheap
  • must buy 2 standard suitcases to keep my stuff here while i go back for summer
  • must buy lillian and mary something before i leave that job. they're so nice, and take care of me.
  • must tidy up room (so whats new about that anyway?)
  • must moisturise after showers
  • must use gloves when doing dishes
  • must make bed
  • must sell off shit i dont need
  • must stop eating those yummy chips or i'll start breaking out
  • must buy cupcake mask from lush for my vanity
  • must get started on the other assignment
  • must take more pictures of myself :P
  • must stop listening to depressing mooseek
  • must do eyebrows soon
  • must eat up food i have..there's actually a lot
  • must drink more water
  • must buy tea
  • must finish milk before expiry date
  • must stop obsessing over petty things
  • must put aromatherapy oil on heater so room will smell nice
  • must stop watching scrubs on youtube...but its so funny :(
  • must stop this list here cause i got other things to do

08.15.07 (5:56 pm)   [edit]

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but i'm not, not sure, not too sure how it feels to handle everyday AND I MISS YOU LOVE

kinda mopey today..dont ask why. did surprisngly ok in last week's tutorial test for educ 113. i swear i thought i would've done far worse. maybe its the thought that the essay is due in a few days..maybe its the fact that mY Salary Has Not Come In Yet. urrrggh
 
everybody sing along now:
 
Remember today
i've no respect for youuu
and i miss you love... 
08.14.07 (10:29 pm)   [edit]

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oh what a beautiful day

its nice and sunny outside, nevermind the fact that it was cold this morning and i could see my own breath when i coughed  on the way to work..
 
the next upcoming formal dinner's coming up...that'll be interesting.
 
i got to shower using the shower gel i like..that's always nice. especially when they didnt have that shower gel when i first came ealier this year, and it has been around for quite a while back home.
 
i like the weather today..nice and bright and "SHINEY" as shaz put it. but not too hot. blue skies..sunshine..auckland could do with more days like these. feels like spring's almost here..or is it? if it was this SHINEY back home, it'd be dead hot and you could fry an egg on my face. cause it'd be oily enough to do so. and hot too.
 
word has it that the oldest woman in japan..in the world has died today.
 
and since i'm in such a good summery mood, i'm going to take a nap. in my cute shorts and cute top. :P
 
have a great day too. 
08.13.07 (7:31 pm)   [edit]

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the place where he was born and bred

so this monday is drawing to a close..well not quite. its just the end of outside activities. and i'm glad to say that the days are slightly longer now. no more gloomy dark walks back from class at 6 pm. yippee.
 
this week's craccum's pretty interesting. and there's a big hoo ha bout the recent dismissal of a lecturer. OOOH, big news. well..i dont particularly care, but somehow i get this feeling that i should be more affected. david do is president of AUSA, hurrah. i was hoping for him. i would have voted but i was working that day...either that or i forgot. or didnt come to uni. oh well. pictures of last week's drinking horn are up too. i cant believe i didnt go to see that! projectile vomiting and nudity..how can you miss that??
 
essay's coming along ok, i guess.
 
i might look for another job soooon.
 
stay tuned. 
08.12.07 (11:51 pm)   [edit]

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scrubs?

if you like musicals and if you like scrubs..check out season 6 of scrubs episode 6
08.12.07 (5:04 am)   [edit]

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briefly said

Expat's glaring observations of malaysia
(taken from malaysiakini...go see if you want)


As a long-time expatriate in a private institution in your country, I happen to observe a number of uncanny ‘facts’ about this country. The people do not often address themselves as Malaysians, with most still preferring their own ethnic identification.

One group has practically full control of the civil service, education and law enforcing, leaving the others scrambling for whatever are the leftovers.

This group also continues to enjoy a good percentage of special discounts when purchasing real estates, decade after decade and this is a very unique situation.

The disparity of the number of voters in the different parliament constituencies is alarming. One has more than a 100,000 electorate while another could well be only one-fifth of that. The bottom line is that a party or coalition can still form a government with majority seats despite winning only some 40% of the popular vote.

The elites of one group already hold a large chunk of the nation's economic pie, yet the government came out with dubious figures claiming the contrary. Statistics have been badly abused and often manipulated by the powerful.

Many able-minded citizens have been moving overseas. This plays right into the hands of the government that only feels comfortable among the mediocre.

Most mega-projects have been ill-conceived let alone properly planned. The squandering of the nation’s wealth solely benefits a particular section of cronies and party faithful.

Well, this country is fast becoming one of the several failed states that were once British colonies, but are now torn apart by ethnic and religious forces. The turbulent undercurrent of discontent seems to be growing, waiting to surface one day. But by then, it would be real ugly

08.11.07 (9:58 pm)   [edit]

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silverchair

currently listening to their new album. some songs are good. i likey. but some songs are ... uh..well. i guess you can skip those. but overall, its a good listen. at least, i think so anyway. at times, the vocals can sound a lil strong compared to the backing mooseek. but for some reason, some of the later tracks remind me of oasis. a tinge of oasis. i dunno. maybe its just me. go listen to it and you decide. you can listen to it on their official website. the later tracks are nice and sing-songy.
 
they'll be here in september or october, i cant remember. and tickets are pretty cheap too. how cheap? well, with one RHCP ticket, you just might be able to watch silverchair twice.
 
anyways, rachel told me about kenny sia's recent post on his blog (www.kennysia.com) go see if you're interested. its not bad la. but truth be told, i dont find him very interesting.
 
not much going on here. i'm pretty boooooored actually. ok..start on assignment.  
08.11.07 (9:44 pm)   [edit]

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i believe in miracles...

no, there is not a tone of optimism that will ring throughout today's post. on the other hand, i think its quite depressing. maybe cause i'm quite depressed.
 
what started as me sitting down trying to figure out some sense of direction for my yet-to-be-started essay, turned out into a wiki fest..looking for things for maus. then..i dunno. maybe its the whole notion of dividing people down racial and religious lines, which people do on a regular basis. even more so at home in malaysia where its part and parcel of administrative measures. in schools. in universities in terms of the entrance quota and what not. i'm kinda glad i'm not having my tertiary education in malaysia, in some ways.
 
we were talking about this in lit tutorial the other day. what is this notion of race? does it really exist? in some cases it has been proven that you can genetically find out someone's racial background. but just what is that all about? when you tie in an idea like "race" into some scientific method of verifying it, where does that leave us?  a real and verifiable way of cassifying people? a valid way of asserting superority, simply because one has got a better pool of genes than the other? which is probably just a minute percentage. we're all people in the end.
 
the term "race" has actually been denounced, or something like that, by the UN, or some body like that. based on the grounds that it carries negative connotations and what not.  and i think the term "race" only is valid when used for plants and animals. well, its only recognized when used in that context, thats what i mean. i think the term to use now is "ethnicity"...
 
and now back home we have this growing sense of dissatisfaction among people. the power to define people as being "other" (you know what i mean). thats power. you're only recognising ONE particular type. everything else is..."other"..its DAN LAIN-LAIN. somewhat less significant.
 
government's cracking down on bloggers back home. geez man...
 
there's nothing to say that hasnt been said. and there's nothing that can be done without some dire consequences. 
 
one thing i absolutely HATE is how politicians say "kalo korang tak suke, korang boleh kluar". what is that?? i mean seriously, WHAT. IS. THAT?? how can you just tell people to get out if they dont like it?  and if there's a lot of them making noise about things they dont like..maybe something's not right.
 
i hate to stereotype people and say they're just like that. but lets face it..we all kinda do that from time to time. eg: dumb americans.  
 
these perceptions are dangerous. they can cause real harm.  
 
EVERYBODY SING ALONG TO GEORGE MICHAEL'S FREEDOM 90 
08.11.07 (12:31 am)   [edit]

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what the fuck is your problem???

to whom the aforementioned title applies..i hope you die by drinking sour milk and mouldy bread. and the cleaning lady kicks the living shits out of you. the cleaning lady i work with specifically. motherfucker go die!
08.09.07 (8:54 pm)   [edit]

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a roof over our heads

lo and behold the tremendous dilemma of finding a place to stay for next year. i dont mind moving out, nor do i mind staying in. actually i'm rather content with where i'm living right now. it'd be good to move out, but if i do, i dont think i'd want to move into another student accommodation place thing. gimme a proper apartment. but the fact that stands right now is that we have to start filling out accommodation forms for next year. its becoming confusing because there's priorities to consider (like MONEY and location etc) and preferences. PRIORITIES vs PREFERENCES. my verdict? if you can afford something, go for it man. and its even more confusing when we're given a deadline. actually we've had plenty of time to think about it, its just that we havent been bothered to. well there we go.

i've said before that i dont mind staying in. but if i stay in, i want the same room. simply because its at a good location (its not too far from the kitchen, not too far from the laundry room, it has a nice view...somewhat..at least it has a view, and i get to see trains everyday) if i get a different room...i guess i'd be ok with it. maybe i'll just stay in another year. then i'll move out. to a proper place. no more student accommodations. it kinda has a dorm-y feel to it. long corridors with doors to your left and right.

there are other student places to consider and all..and they provide food and all..but the rent etc is different, and maybe higher too.

PRIORITIES vs PREFERENCES. thats what it comes down to. but essentially, i just need a roof over my head. with heating. water. a bed. and storage. thats it. and internet. and a phone line. and electricity. and thats it.

hmm..the money situation seems to be ok here so far. i say so far cause it may suddenly take a turn for the worse. yes i dont want to jinx it. fingers crossed the money gods will continue to show favor. i'm hoping i can pick up things (and i mean, really, pick things up quickly enough) so they'll let me work from 7.30-11.30 on weekdays at my current job. that way i can fit in more hours at work, hence more dough. balancing time with studies...what studies? :P i'll manage. at least i've picked up a skill that makes me more marketable here. and no, i will not hitch my skirt up and walk around k-road on friday night like pablo suggested.

speaking of which, i've finally finished Lolita. painstakingly so. actually towards the end i just skimmed over the words and stuff.  humbert humbert...H.H. well, he makes Lolita a sex slave to him. takes her all over the country (its set in the states) and she escapes when she's 14. he glorifies his "love" for her. i say he should die and go to hell.

aud said she's staying in next year.

its been a slow SLOOOOOOW day here. it sure dont help that i skipped lecture and tutorial again. its a boring course that, educ 111. EUGH. its just boring. very...abstract ideas. about how you think..more precisely, cognitive processes. i think i'm really enjoying english 111. i'm quite excited to do the assignment, actually. i have an idea on what to do. but i'm not too sure about how to start. EMAIL ZACH. you strange tutor with the cracky voice. HELP ME!!

 

08.08.07 (10:47 pm)   [edit]

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a roof over our heads

lo and behold the tremendous dilemma of finding a place to stay for next year. i dont mind moving out, nor do i mind staying in. actually i'm rather content with where i'm living right now. it'd be good to move out, but if i do, i dont think i'd want to move into another student accommodation place thing. gimme a proper apartment. but the fact that stands right now is that we have to start filling out accommodation forms for next year. its becoming confusing because there's priorities to consider (like MONEY and location etc) and preferences. PRIORITIES vs PREFERENCES. my verdict? if you can afford something, go for it man. and its even more confusing when we're given a deadline. actually we've had plenty of time to think about it, its just that we havent been bothered to. well there we go.

i've said before that i dont mind staying in. but if i stay in, i want the same room. simply because its at a good location (its not too far from the kitchen, not too far from the laundry room, it has a nice view...somewhat..at least it has a view, and i get to see trains everyday) if i get a different room...i guess i'd be ok with it. maybe i'll just stay in another year. then i'll move out. to a proper place. no more student accommodations. it kinda has a dorm-y feel to it. long corridors with doors to your left and right.

there are other student places to consider and all..and they provide food and all..but the rent etc is different, and maybe higher too.

PRIORITIES vs PREFERENCES. thats what it comes down to. but essentially, i just need a roof over my head. with heating. water. a bed. and storage. thats it. and internet. and a phone line. and electricity. and thats it.

hmm..the money situation seems to be ok here so far. i say so far cause it may suddenly take a turn for the worse. yes i dont want to jinx it. fingers crossed the money gods will continue to show favor. i'm hoping i can pick up things (and i mean, really, pick things up quickly enough) so they'll let me work from 7.30-11.30 on weekdays at my current job. that way i can fit in more hours at work, hence more dough. balancing time with studies...what studies? :P i'll manage. at least i've picked up a skill that makes me more marketable here. and no, i will not hitch my skirt up and walk around k-road on friday night like pablo suggested.

speaking of which, i've finally finished Lolita. painstakingly so. actually towards the end i just skimmed over the words and stuff.  humbert humbert...H.H. well, he makes Lolita a sex slave to him. takes her all over the country (its set in the states) and she escapes when she's 14. he glorifies his "love" for her. i say he should die and go to hell.

aud said she's staying in next year.

its been a slow SLOOOOOOW day here. it sure dont help that i skipped lecture and tutorial again. its a boring course that, educ 111. EUGH. its just boring. very...abstract ideas. about how you think..more precisely, cognitive processes. i think i'm really enjoying english 111. i'm quite excited to do the assignment, actually. i have an idea on what to do. but i'm not too sure about how to start. EMAIL ZACH. you strange tutor with the cracky voice. HELP ME!!

 

08.08.07 (10:32 pm)   [edit]

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behold i present....the multi-purpose cleaner

so it says it removes dirt and grime, any surface oil. leaves no residue..yadayada. behold, it can clean away mildew. behold, it cleans the sink and leaves them sparkling clean. behold, it cleans the toilet too. behold, my white shoes are no longer stained. what IS this cleaner you ask? i present unto you, Johnson & Johnson's Clean and Clear Self-foaming Facial Cleanser. it cleans absolutely anything! of course it was meant for your face, but hey, if it cleans other stuff too, why not? ok, i cant afford a lawsuit, so i'll stop here.
 
the money from the telemarketing job came in today. HURRAH!! and i saw the other girl from that job on campus today. i forgot her name...i think its alana or alena or alina or something. very nice girl. i guess we both cant take that job.
 
now comes the task of finding something else that pays quite as high or higher.
 
i'm quite behind my assignments. one is due next week. honestly i have no idea where to start. but i guess thats where sitting down and thinking about it comes into play. this constant state of being online dont help either.
 
currently reading vladimir nabakov's lolita. behold the mind of a paedophile. i feel so sorry for lolita.  and humbert humbert (the protagonist) is a damn pervert, who with his words attempts to convince you otherwise. but learned, cultured and well-read as he may be, he's just a damn pervert. ugh..
08.07.07 (8:58 pm)   [edit]

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so here comes the weekly rant

a few good things have happened so far. my internet lives. many thanks to lim. and yes, i know my room is hopeless, thank you very much.
 
many thanks to iain for the songs. i love you :)
 
what is with this good mood??
 
uh, the new job seems to be going ok, albeit leaving me rather sore. goodbye telemarketing. thou art the bane of all things annoying. honestly, it should be made illegal. its tatamount to harassing people. 
 
then maybe me and adiba should bring out the guitar and indulge in a bit of busking at queen street. hmmm...
 
people at the new place seem quite nice. although the girl behind the reception seems a lil snooty. the guy behind the bar seems friendly. had a funny name i cant recall now.
 
my hands are a lil rough now. oh dear. LOTION TO THE RESCUE!!
 
i am severely behind my assignments, completely on my own fault..
 
there was a fire drill just now, when i was tired and needed rest the most. all hail the timing that trc has.
 
stay tuned. i might turn grumpy soon :P 
08.06.07 (7:21 am)   [edit]

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aotearoa part 2

continuation from the last entry..and this has deeper thought into it, somewhat.
 
whats worrying me most right now is how things are going at home. i dont know if there's much i can do, and i also dont know if what i'll do will have much of an effect. the family's kinda just falling apart even more so now than it has been in the past few years. its just been a downward spiral.
 
so anyways, i get this message from my brother about how bad things are for him at home. i kinda knew this would happen because, well, i know how the family works. i've seen things get real ugly once and i get this feeling the same thing may happen again. maybe the most i can do is be the middleman. which is something i've decided from an early age i didnt like being, but maybe in this case i dont really have a choice.
 
its painful to see things fall apart and not know if anything you do can make a difference, but i suppose anything is worth a shot. at least you tried. i guess..
 
i dont know how to start about this cause its just been going awry for a long long time. who's to blame? i dont know. my parents? me? my brother? maybe God? i dunno. i really dont. but blaming people is not going to solve anything, if anything can be solved at all. i know there are no quick fix solutions to this but there might be temporary solutions to help a lil bit here and there.
 
maybe its just the guilt that i'm not there. that maybe i left things to get as bad as it does. who knows. maybe things will get better. maybe they'll get worse. or maybe this problem will just feed on itself and because its unsolvable just dissipate and one day there'll be this question hanging as to how it all started in the first place. or how it went wrong.
 
FAMILY ISSUES?? WHO HASN'T GOT THEM??
 
i know for a fact that each family has their own set of problems. whether these problems can be solved or not probable depends on how people take them and how they decide to treat each other in light of whatever wrongs have been commited.
 
i hate the fact that I have to do something about it. i know its family duty and what not but fuck that, i'm tired of it. i'm going to church to keep my parents quiet and i'm in NZ because well..i think my parents were just too chicken to let me study something else. its not like i dont have issues with my parents either, because i do. and it doesnt help that i'm expected to be middleman to solve this.
 
i guess another problem is the fact that my mother could never admit that she was wrong and take back what she's said. she will never say "I'm sorry, i was wrong". she puts herself as the third person "Mummy's sorry". what is that?? why is it so hard to say that you were wrong?
 
maybe, lets face it, we never really bonded as a family unit. maybe its the whole adoption thing. maybe..
 
--> cue depression music to distract me for a while.
 
i dont know how my parents feel about this. it cant be easy knowing that these children you wanted and raised as your own never really felt close to you. how painful is that? all these years and then what? they just up and leave and never ever look back. all they think about is leaving. it sure as hell dont help that you push them away either.
 
if they knew the truth bout me, how i felt about beliefs and what not..i dont know how they'd take it. i cant keep living more of my life for them. i cant keep doing things to keep them happy. thats not just how it works. be the perfect daughter and i've never lived my own life.
 
its just sad.
 
how do we work this out? i mean its great that i hear bout my brother, and he's keeping in touch with me and all, but that only means that things are real ugly at home. when i do hear bout him from my parents, its because i asked about him. and i only hear about what he's done wrong. he says he thinks he hates my mom and that he thinks my mom hates him.
 
what about my dad? i think he's stopped caring because it hurts too much. either that or he's given up altogether.
 
maybe they've never accepted the fact that their kids just dont want to be like them. maybe that. but if you ask me about whether i've ever really felt close to my parents, the answer is NO. if you ask me whether i'm looking forward to seeing them again at the end of the year, the answer is, again, NO.
 
i just got an email from my dad...the irony.
 
god knows when this entry will end..
 
so he says he just got back from vietnam. yadayada....whatever. he should know more than anyone that i'd rather not be here. why is it that parents feel like they have some divine duty to decide whatever is best for their kids career-wise? fine, i accept the whole guidance excuse, but if the original preference was not something bad like being a pimp or whatever, then where's the harm in that?
 
hunnie was telling me earlier this evening about this cousin of hers that she has who was really quiet and stuff and then one day got all suicidal cause she didnt know how to deal with what was being expected of her and what not. her parents wanted her to do medicine and she wanted to be a kindergarten teacher. apparently she lost it one day, and completely exploded at her parents. and said NO WAY she's doing medicine. and today she's a kindergarten teacher.
 
i'm not doing what i want. i'm not happy about it. i'm pretty good at it, but it dont mean that its what i want to do.
 
man this is one sad entry.  
08.04.07 (7:41 am)   [edit]

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living in the land of the long white cloud

so here i am, miles and miles away from home. things are going ok. friday was the last day of the telemarketing job. and on monday the cleaner job begins. oh well. i think i'm starting to get a sore throat from talking for 5 hours nonstop without water from the telemarketing job. and the money hasnt come in yet. bastards.
 
so anyways, i recieve news from my bro that things are going ugly at home. well....havent they always.  guess i just feel bad that i'm not there. i dont know how much i can fix it even if i was there. i dont know if i will fix it. i dont know if i can do anything at all.
 
family's kinda falling apart.  
 
 
08.04.07 (4:42 am)   [edit]

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i don wanna be a telemarketer no more...

of all the jobs to pick..ugh..but hey, at least it pays. there was a new girl yesterday and she was real friendly to everyone. auckland uni student too...doing politics. wow, i dunno if its just me who feels kinda intimidated by people doing stuff like politics or world politics or political science or biotech or whatever, anyways, i felt so bad for her that in a 5 hour shift, she didnt make a single sale. but hey, thats the sucky part of telemarketing. actually the most sucky part is having to say things over and over and over again..they give you a script ONE PAGE long. bleh. whatever. i'm already looking for another job..
 
which brings me to another thing..i have an interview at 1pm later. hurray. save me from the wicked drudgery of calling people up for money. i guess its also the fact that i'm working for a scam that makes me feel so icky. oh well. fingers crossed this new interview goes well. its closer to railway too, which means no more long cold walks home at night. YAY!! 
 
other than that, hunnie's voice has recovered and she has started speaking again. haha. oh well. the silence was nice while it lasted :P
 
she's talking now. about her family. its interesting to listen to. and i think i know her family stories pretty well by now.
 
"if you're not affected you're not paying attention!".
 
i'll still be going to work later at 4pm for the last time hopefully. at least i can tell them i wont be going in anymore if i get the new job.
 
i'm kinda going nuts over light grenades and...whats that other song...rogues. thats it. makes me think of priceless and pistola. which i do like very much..
 
its friday and its the end of the week. thank the gods.  
 
 
08.02.07 (5:15 pm)   [edit]

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employment

so good news i bring to you readers of this blog..you need to find better things to do btw :P anyway, i got the job as a telemarketer. oh shock horror and coil away in disgust. i hate the job. i seriously do. the supervisors are a bunch of scowly unsmiling unfriendly ladies who i wont be surprised are demons in disguise. i cannot express enough how much i hate the job. its a pain and they practically rip out a page from the yellow pages and tell you to call up every single household there. they give you a script which you end up reciting over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again. UGH. pay me already! i swear by the end of my shift, i'm tired of talking and listening. i just wanna walk home, take a nice hot shower, have dinner and sleep. but hey, at least its a job and they pay pretty good. i hate it tho. i need to get the sales average up. a piece of advice to people out there...never ever ever ever buy anything from a telemarketer. NEVER. and if possible, get a private number that is unlisted so that people like me wont have to call you and face your wrath from interrupting your family dinner. i try to be as polite as possible. but it just gets so mind-numbingly draining. feels like im a damn monkey on the phone. maybe they could train chimps and parrots to work together so they can be the telemarketers. sound good? well....more like cruelty towards animals actually. so leave it to the humans to work such a degrading job...have i mentioned how much i hate this job?
 
so last night after work, trudging back in the rain, tired as hell...many thanks to aud who helped turn on the heater in my room so i dont have to come back to a cold room..went to make dinner. god i hate having dinner alone. its really sad. its just as sad as being paid to sit for hours by a phone and harrass people to buy things they dont need. then sam came by for his food fix. talked with him for a while. and realised its been a while since i'd had a proper conversation with people. proper conversation as in you talk nonsense and not take things too seriously. omg do i sound so sad?? i meant a conversation outside my typical circle of friends besides the introductory hey-you're-new or the typical hey-we're-neighbours-and- i-should-be-nice nonsense. problem with living in a residence hall is not that you dont meet people. you meet tons of people. and most of them are nice. but the problem is that keeping in touch with them. cause you've all got different things to do. you do bump into each other and all, but its not for very long, cause when that does happen, you're both in the middle of something.
 
 my IRD number just came in the post today. guess that means i'll have tax deducted from my pay. they say i can claim when i leave NZ for good or at the end of the year or something.
 
and sha said she just spotted cheaper air tickets to malaysia via MAS...sweet. by about $400. which is a lot. hopefully by tomorrow that offer'll still be up and maybe, just maybe, i'll get cheaper tickets. oh ye gods!! grant mercy!
 
maybe despite everything, things are starting to look up here. the chi is turning around...the planets are in the right alignment...the gods are in a good mood...whatever it is, maybe things arent so bad after all.
 
next trick is to work out the timetable to fit in the studying and all, which is usually half assed. but i want an A in English 111. simply cause i like having lectures on things like wallace and gromit.
 
hunnie has got laryngitis. she cant talk anymore..for about 3 weeks. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HHAHAHAHAA
08.01.07 (1:18 am)   [edit]

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