yep..2 more papers to go. and tomorrrow's gawai, and it SUCKS to be on the mainland at this point. miss home, but at least i'm going home in a few days time. P3 paper just finished. it was a strange paper. i studied vectors, and the exact same question that was an example in the text book which i chucked away half an hour before the exam came out. as fate would have it, i couldnt remember how to do it, cause i dont get vectors in the 1st place.. ah, cest la vie.

NEW SWEATERS!!

yesterday me and my roommates went out for dinner, and as expected, we kinda dilly-dallied around the place, and we ended up buying new sweaters each! the theme was "Traffic Light Appreciation", haha. i took yellow, aud took red and eelin took green. then, freakishly, we discovered it sorta resembled US. i mean, my blog is YELLOWSUBMARINE (and no, i'm not exactly a beatles fan) and it kinda went along with our names..we have GREELIN, AUDRED and YALLOW..haha, eelin took green and aud took red. we wore them back to college, and as we were going back to our rooms, my former roommate saw us and she had "huh?" written all over her face. i know its pretty dorky, but it was fun. GREELIN reminds me of a sesame street character in the sweater..and my roommates say i look like paddington bear in mine. like a kid going to school. i really like the sweater. it feels like i'm wearing a blanket, and for rm17 each, it was worth it.

UPCOMING DINNER/LUNCH

i am so excited about it! this sunday we're going for this farewell thingy we ourselves are organising and we'll be watching xmen3! we're exchanging gifts and i hope they like what i got them. its nothing superbly spectacular tho..i know it doesnt have to be, but i just hope they'll like it. and xmen3!! i have this thing for wolverine. cant help it, he's hot =P

HAIRCUT?

i just cut my hair about a month or so back, but it grew back pretty fast. thing about short hair is that when it grows back, its OBVIOUS whereas with long hair, a trim every 3 months or so would do. i kinda like my hair, but i dont know if i want to cut it yet. besides, the money i spend on my hair can be spent on feeding myself, heehee.

QUITTING MARA??

i am anticipating some backlash from my parents about this choice, when i tell them. and when that'll be? i dont know, probably after i get my a-level results. here are the list of phrases i'm expecting will come out of my dad's mouth. some of them at least. my mental responses (MMR) are in red:

• On job prospects: "You'll get a job at the end of it. no matter what you do you still need to find a job, at least this offer has a job prepared for you".
  MMR: i dont want this job, i'm not interested in teaching. and its a dead end, especially under mara.
• On so-called prestige: "So many other students around the country would want this opportunity..."
  MMR: not my fault they didnt get it. and where is the prestige if they have to lower the standards so that more of us can study abroad in a foreign university to get a degree in a field they established just for financial gain ftrom mara? there is no recognition in this degree and there is certainly no prestige in that either.
• On cost: "Money, money, money, bla bla bla. money, money, money, bla bla bla."
  MMR: money, money, money, bla bla bla bla blah (echoes dad mentally)
• On marketability: "People will always need teachers. so many other people who have [insert academic background here] end up as teachers."
  MMR: SO?? doesnt mean i have to become one.
• MORE on marketability: "Now they want English teachers."
  MMR: BIG DEAL! you said i could quit if i didnt want to continue with this!
• On how i can quit: "after you finish your bond, you can leave mara, and et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.
  MMR: By the time i quit, i'll be at least 30! by then i'll have other reaponsibilities and i cant just up and leave a job just caue i  want to. if i want to quit, i have to do it NOW.
• Once again, MONEY: "money, money, money, bla bla bla"
  MMR: LOOK, maybe i should start taking my clothes off for money if its such a big deal. commit insurance fraud or something. embezzlement. join a pageant. rob a bank. have children and sell them. 

the reason they are mental responses is cause i probably wont have the guts to say that to my dad to his face. they'll really hurt. now these are the lines my mother uses when she wants to get things her way, and damnit , they work!

• " I dont feel at peace about this...i have no peace.."
• "there is no blessing in doing that sort of thing"

maybe they'll work for me. she's taking me out on my birthday to this place i like, and i know she's been wanting to go to since i've been talking about it and my dad wont take her.  so maybe then i'll bring up the issue of quitting. just hints of it, at least.

what sucks is that i feel this sense of responsibility to do this mara deal so i dont let my parents down, but i cant keep living my life for them. they've got so much to deal with and they've been through so much disappointment that i dont want to add to it. they've had to deal with my brother. and that's a LOT they've had to deal with, and still have to. i know my relationship with my parents is not as close as other people's may be, and i dont tell them my problems or whats going on in my private life, but thats because i dont want them to worry for me.

they've got so much to deal with, and i dont want to become a burden to them. my mother developed a stomach ulcer cause of my brother, and i realise she frowns a lot now and has this worried look on her face all the time, which i am very sure, she doesnt realise she has. my dad's a good natured person. very responsible, but i dont want him to be paying off my education way into his retirement.

tough huh..the struggle between being a filial child vs personal fulfilment. now thats a match i'd pay to watch. tell me who wins.

world cup'c coming soon..there are some HOT players..mm...so now, update on my life

Gritting my teeth

there are STILL 3 more papers left and one of them's tomorrow. ugh, just get it over and done with. there seems to be a problem with my hands, i'm not typing so well.

stupid btn is end of june, thank GOD its just 5 days..but it'll be 5 days worth of teeth gritting.

flight back after btn is sponsored by mara. i just gotta snort at that one. they cant even book us a real ticket. instead, its a friggin' open ticket. hello waiting list. how much can it cost anyways? i mean, they allocated rm2000 for our flights and they cant even get us a flight? a REAL flight?? if i were to book the flight myself, and then claim the money, mara being mara will take forever to doll out the money. stupid idiots. bunch of monkeys running this joint.

Extended 6 months?

its been on my mind again, and you cant blame me. i know this is not the best time to think about it since its smack-bang in the middle of my exams, but this shit is going to affect the next 10 damn years of my life. so i say, now's a good time as any to think about it!

i was snooping around online just now for any available offers and scholarships/sponsorships /whats-its that they call it now. and guess what? there ARE some available!

we are officially at THE halfway mark in the current exams and have exactly 3 more papers to go. i personally dont know if i dont give a damn if i do well or not, cause technically, if my results suck, i might not continue studying for a while. i just feel so tired by it. so my 6 months break just got longer. haha. im in a semi-zombie mode cause i think i fell asleep around 4 and was up again by 7. so things are going to sound disjointed.

EXTENDED 6 MONTHS BREAK?

my roommate and i were talking last night and we realised that if we dont make the cut with mara to go NZ, there's a TON of opportunities lying ahead of us to do what we want. personally, i do NOT want to be a teacher and neither does she. reason i gave this a-levels programme a shot is because my dad said so. not a very responsible excuse, i admit, but i was drifting around at the time. there is a chance we dont have to pay back after we finish the a-levels for the cost we took up, but that remains unclear. and last night, while we were talking about BTN and when it is and what not, it hit us: ITS NOT SUCH A BAD THING IF WE DONT MAKE THE CUT. for one, we dont have to work back the 5 years. we also have a choice to opt out of mara. and then things are in our own hands. it'll be tough and i'm kinda prepared for that because i'd rather have my own decisions shaping my life rather than some sponsorship board that doesnt need to inform me about any changes in policy or in any terms and conditions.

i know people say i can quit after working 5 years for mara, but by then i'll be at least 30. i'm 20 this year. i dont want to look back and think i spent at least 10 years of my life doing something i didnt want to do in the first place. thats at least a decade!

actually i'm kinda hoping i'll fail. its sort of my ticket out of this deal. i can handle it well, but i dont know about my parents. they're proud that i got this offer, but i cant keep living my life for them. it'll be tough for them, and it wont seem filial or whatever, but if i cant answer to myself about what i did and why i did it (and give a good answer at that) then that's being irresponsible.

thing is, if you WANT to be a teacher, and you WANT to teach English, this is the programme for you. not ME.

SO what do i want to do?

if i dont make the cut, i wont be studying for a while. i think the intese pressure-cooker environment in the very cut-throat world of academia has practically killed all desire of longing to know. maybe take courses in something and work my way up. it'll be tough, but at least it'll be MY call. i want to take control of the decisions made in my life and i'd rather suffer the consequences of that and deal with the responsibilities of that then have a board of directors up in the sponsorship department make life-changing decisions for me, and are not obliged to tell me of any changes in policy or terms and conditions.

EVENT ORGANISING

thats what i want to do. me and my roommate were talking about it, and maybe it was the reason we were brought together. i mean we managed to pull together 2 events with minimal resources and it went..well!

sound crazy? we plan to start our own "party-planning" ; firm by the time we're 30. ambitious no?

if all goes well and we're rolling in cash from all the hectic work we have to do, i plan to reitre early.

if all goes well meaning i dont make the cut.

and all you people who read this entry have just witnessed a life-changing discovery.

if i fail to meet up to mara's expectations, so what?

a failure is only a failure if you dont do something to turn it around.

i hope if you read this, it'll spark something in you to take chances in life. i have yet to take mine, but i know i will. cause life's too short to waste on stuff you'd rather not do.

its the third paper today, and its the 3 hour sociology paper where i have to write 3 damn essays..6 if you count the short ones worth 9 marks. and i didnt sleep last night. i can barely type properly now, and i'm feeling kinda dizzy. must be the damn caffeine in the stupid coffee i took during supper. urgh...then tomorow its stats 1. i'm screwed. i am so screwed for maths.

i just felt like blogging, there were some things i wanted to say but cant remember now. maybe i need some sleep.

i want a new swimsuit. i want it to be RED.

maybe i'm ovulating. thats why the caffeine is hitting me so hard. but then again, i havent been able to sleep very well at night since i got back to college. i found a pimple in my armpit last night when i was scratching myself cause i couldnt sleep..haha. yeah, that was on purpose.

mm..now i'm wondering if i can remember what those white people have to say about society..all that crap i'm going to be tested on later. no, i dont want to think about it.

my friend's in kl now, and maybe i'll drop by there for a few days before i head home. i want to check out the new Forever 21 store that just opened in 1 utama..sounds good. expensive but good.

i cant really think of what else to blog about. the recent state elections came and went. i was eating bananas the whole time in the mainland. seriously.

i would like to announce and make it known that i am supporting GERMANY in the upcoming world cup because i personally think that michael ballack is one hunk of yummy running around the field. so score a goal, and take yer shirt off!

haircut? maybe not yet. the hair keeps growing back.

BTN? stupid course..not sure when. apparently we have to bathe in sarongs. i say screw that and bring on the bikinis!

okay, lab com is getting full and i'm not in the mood to be particularly sociable or people friendly or want to hear people's voices or want to be around so many people. i'm retreating to the dorm and sleeping.

adios!

so the "break" is over. and i've finished one paper. that means 6 more to go. the toughest hill to climb would probably be the 3 hr soc paper. urgh...

in the end i did go to the fund raising concert for the school choir, and i'm really glad i didnt go with who i was intending to go with. because A) he would have felt out of place. B) he wouldnt have been half as fun, and C) all my teachers were there. it was really nice to see the teachers again, and really nice catching up with merlvyn. too bad cat wasnt there.. and dunno what la that jawing. contacting him is near impossible besides leaving comments on his blog. apparenty sarah has a boyfriend now. (Aha..) question that pops up is FOR REAL?? maynard said he reads my blog, so if you're reading this now maynard, HI MAYNARD! all the best in your exams this year and have fun in china. send my love and best wishes to the choir, although i think i expressed that fairly well enough by attending the concert.

i heard one of my friends just broke up with her bf of 4 years, and recently changed her profile to single on her account. well...all the best to her.

i dont know if its just me, but i cant handle the idea of being in a relationship. i tried thinking about marriage the other day, and i couldnt breathe. and i mean, physically cannot breathe. WOW.

"i dont give my money to no worthless man"...haha

i've got a rough idea how to spend my 6 months..get a job, get the car, take up belly dancing (if that goes well, i'll show you personally, haha ) and apparently this crap-ass institution called mara is planning to send us to mrsm langkawi for 2 god damn weeks worth of lectures and 3 weeks of practical. bloody idiots, all of them. just leave us alone and ship us over to NZ in due time okay?? the only good thing i can think of about langkawi is the duty free stuff. bring on the liquor! pukefest extravaganza? i hope not.. and they have nice hotels.

i really enjoyed my break. i got to have lamb (after wanting that for so loooong) i went swimming, i went to the beach with my friends, i got to meet up with old friends, got to see my teachers again (ok, to some extent, that was kinda weird, especially seeing them sing. but mr matthew chin was great! )

and one big lesson i've learned, is to never ever put your life on hold for anything less than a reason you yourself find logical, tangible and rational.