years on
so i've been in this shit programme for a few years now, studying something i would rather not and doomed for a job i kinda dread. and i still cant find the answers for myself.
why am i doing this? it doesnt make sense to me anymore. here i am, stuck halfway in a programme studying something i didn't choose and i have to give up 5 more years of my life after this to make up for the education that i never wanted in the first place. dont get me wrong, its not like i dont want to study. i'm just not studying what i want. i'm not going to be working in a job i want. and all for what? its not for me. it wasnt even my choice in the first place. i can tell you here and now that signing those contracts was not my choice.
its not like i'm not having a good time here. i've made some really good friends here, had lots of fun on occasions, but there are times when i cant find any answers that will satisfy me. why the hell am i doing this?
case in point - it just hit me all of a sudden last night and there was no consolation whatsoever.
sure i can still get out of this teaching gig at the end of the five years, but to what? more teaching? fuck hell no. unless its private and they pay me shitloads of money for a small amount of time, then i might consider it. but i dont have any intrinsic motivation to want to continue with this nonsense.
i dont see what i'm getting out of this. my education is being monitored, we're under fucking surveillance and i have no idea what is being reported back to my sponsors. whether its a fair report or not, i dont know. either ways, you can count on me not being in education for very long. my heart is not there, i dont feel challenged by it, and at times i just get bored by it. and in a job like teaching where apparently there's so much required from the teacher, how do you expect me to put up with it for 5 years.
why should i have to PUT UP with things like this?
what if i just made tons of money here on a side job and then vanished? after my degree ends maybe? but we'll see. i just cant stand being stuck like this.
there are some things i really like however. but those have absolutely nothing to do with what i'm studying or where i'm headed after i'm done studying.
- i live on my own. no parents. automatic YAAY.
- outside my studying my free time is spent how i like it.
- i have good friends here who are really supportive and kind and generous.
- good food in nz. they gots korean food here. and good sushi. and lots of yummy meats.
- i like how uni doesnt have a stupid dress code like some unis do back home.
- i like how approachable the lecturers are here, and we dont have to come up with stupid titles every time we address them
- they rate programmes and movies and then dont censor it! thats what the ratings are for!
- nice clothes here. really nice shoes too.
- they gots lush here.
so there you have it. the little things that make it not too bad for me here.
but when it comes to the crux of the matter, what the hell am i doing here? and who am i doing it for? what am i going to get out of it?
call me an ingrate if you want, but i'm getting fed up of not knowing what i'm doing here.
04.27.08 (5:59 am) [
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inactivity
so i havent been blogging much these days. no biggie, not much happening here. seasons are changing and assignments are piling on.
i wish i had something more interesting to talk about.
04.22.08 (3:46 am) [
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its been a while
it has been a while since something political has MOVED me to blog. but the situation back home is just going nuts. and i dont know what to make of it;.
the country had its national elections earlier this year. and if you follow malaysian news, you'll find that things have changed. major changes are happening in the country. not just by who won and who lost in the polls, but also what the people want for themselves, for their children and the country as a whole.
what has happened in the elections is a reflection of the hopes of malaysians. they want the country to head towards a certain direction.
i believe that malaysians recognise that the nation has got SO much potential and so much spirit that is going to waste because of racial politics.
first of all, let me state here and now that RACE is an outdated concept. it is UNFOUNDED and has no solid base at all. it basically, does NOT MAKE SEnSE. and above all its so fucking politically incorrect. it is grounds for discrimination on a bogus argument. for too long, the term RACE and all the connotations that come along with it have been thrown around in order to manipulate circumstances and situations to fit into one group's agenda. furthermore, it doesnt help when the UN has declared the term RACE to be outdated as well. i'm not sure when this happened but i think it was in the '80's or 70's. i'm not going to cite any sources, because this isnt an academic paper. and i'm sorry if it sounds like one.
secondly, how can people who have so much power continue to throw around this term when they know that its completely untrue? they also know how divisive talks surrounding RACE can be. where are the watchdogs and what not telling these politicians to shut their yap and clamp down on whoever writes their speeches? or are they all bribed? oh wait, we dont have one.
thirdly, why is the media making things like these available to the public when they know that issues like these serve to only tear up the nation into bickering with one another?
hang on a minute..politicians...media...put these together. do you see something here?
coming to new zealand and studying here, i've found that it is extremely depressing studying education. although it is NOT what i am incredibly interested in, there are some aspects of it that i find very enlightening. and it is just depressing because
- you cant just send people overseas to study how to teach and expect them to come back and be star teachers. it doesnt work that way. issues underlying education and policies are reflective of the nation's policy on equality and equity.
- when *oh god i hate this term* racial agendas become as big a deal as they do back home, where unity is NOT about bringing the nation together as one, rather is more about bringing one race above the rest, how can you practice fairness in education where the main agenda is about providing people with the opportunity to better themselves?
main point of the day:
RACE is an outdated concept. we have GOT to stop throwing this word around (it should be outlawed - i swear). and rather than concentrating on this-is-why-i'm-not-like- you-and-this-is-why-i'm-b etter, we should be working together for a better future for everyone. for too long we have allowed ourselves to be pitched against each other to serve the interests of those who have the power.
i am not calling for a revolution of sorts.
what i am trying to say is this - TIMES have changed. the malaysian public has changed. we want better things for ourselves. and we know we can get it.
we cannot let ourselves be filled with bogus prejudices when we know better. and we dont have to accept everything we see in the media. or everything in blogs, for that matter.
the country belongs to the people, and its high time that overzealous politicians recognise that.
if you dont know what i'm talking about, check out
patrick teoh's blog. and
this
04.14.08 (3:00 am) [
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sharky shark....i'll get you for this. you know i will
In the spirit of tagging people, i have done my part (i'll get you for this shark). the list of people i tag after this is at the end of this entry.
Instructions: Remove ONE question from below, and add in your personal question, make it a total of 20 questions, then tag 8 people in your list, list them out at the end of this post. Notify them in their chat box that he/she has been tagged. Whoever does the tag will have blessings from all.
1. Do you believe in love at first sight?
- i wouldnt call it love at first sight. i think its more like an oprah AHA moment.
2. Do you eat without brushing your teeth?
- not if its breakfast
3. Where is the place that you want to go the most?
- where i am happiest.
4. If you can have 1 dream to come true, what would it be?
- to be able to travel the world and find true happiness.
5. Do you believe in seeing a rainbow after the rain?
- only if there's sunlight at the same time....its just physics you know. nothing particularly magical about it. except the leprechaun and the pot of gold at the end of it. i've drove through the end of a rainbow - there's NOTHING there but a wall of colours, which is quite nice, really.
6. Do you like being who you are today?
- sometimes. most times yes.
7. If you win $1 million, what would you do?
- pay off my bond for this course and take up something i'm more interested in
8. If you meet someone that you love, would you confess to him/her?
- when the time is right :P
9. Would you swim in a vat of chocolate?
- only if i wont drown and if there was stuff to dip in the vat...FONDUE BABEH!! and how am i going to get clean after? ;)
10. What are the requirements that you wish from your other half?
- Honesty. Responsibility. Accountability. uh..Loyalty. LOVE. Trustworthy. a critical and open MIND. a sense of FUN. GOOD TASTE IN MOOSEEK. kindness. gentleness. tactfulness. uhm...a sense of adventure. some vulnerability and fallibility (i dont want someone so perfect because i'm not) above all, common sense and some decency. am i making anyone nervous yet? :P
11. Which type of cars I love the most?
- MY GALLARDO :D yes its MINE.
12. Which do you prefer from your other half? hug? or a kiss?
- oh he'd know.
13. If you have faults, would you rather the people around you point out to you or would you rather they keep quiet?
- TACTFULLY approach me and point it out. if i feel like i'm being attacked i dont think i'd react very positively. i might even serve you a nice kick.
14. What do you think is the most important thing in your life?
- being content.
15. Are you a shopaholic or not?
- err...yes?
16. What kind of electronic device/gadget you own that you like most?
- my phone. its the only one thats being nice to me.
17. If you have a chance, which part of your character you would like to change?
- my unbelievably high expectations that i can sometimes place on other people, which is clearly a reflection of my own expectations of myself and low sense of self-efficacy in achieving them.
18. What makes you feel disappointed?
- when bad clothes happen to people. when bad people happen to good clothes. when people choose to be stubborn despite knowing better or otherwise. when something doesnt go as planned. when my food burns while being cooked. when my food goes bad. when i run out of soap. when my shoes fall apart. when my clothes fall apart. when my makeup runs out. when my makeup goes bad. when bad makeup happens to people. when bad people happen to good makeup. when my computer crashes. when my camera gets wrecked. when i run out of credit. when i run out of money. when the internet isnt cooperating. when the printer isnt cooperating. when the dryer doesnt work properly...should i go on?
19. If given a chance, do you want to see your future?
- No. where's the fun in life then?
20. What would you do when your secret is being found out?
- i dunno. i'd be stunned i guess. cause, A) how was is found out and B) Who found out the secret
i tag:
- MAYNARD
- PAK KIENG
- hunnie
- iain would you do this too? :D
04.11.08 (6:17 am) [
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breathe
its been a really rough past few days. number ONE, my modem stuffed up and i couldnt go online. i got SO upset about it. number TWO, i've been getting really tired really easily these days - could be hormonal. number THREE, i'm seriously broke. i'm so broke its not funny. i still have rent for 3 weeks to pay for and bills and what not. and after that i'll be left with only a few hundred. how am i going to feed myself?? oh GOD! with the rising cost of living in nz you'd think the government would have some sense to increase our allowance so we can just survive. bloody fuck. a HUGE chunk of our monthly allowance goes straight to accommodation (what if there's 5 weeks to pay for in a month? we'll be around $200 short for that month. think march, july, august. thats about $600 short) and that leaves us with about $400 for everything else.
it doesnt fucking help that we're getting the book allowance late in the year. who in the fucking right state of mind would issue out a fucking book allowance in the middle of the fucking year?? the nz term starts in fucking february NOT september. so if you give us the money in july, are you fucking expecting us to starve?
sure, the other option is to work. but FUCK. when you're constantly under surveillance like us by a uni rep who wont let us work more than 12 fucking hours a week, what the fuck are you going to earn? YEAH, 12 HOURS. TWELVE HOURS!
oh the poor life of a student. watch me live off instant noodles, which i'm already doing.
thank you SO much for giving us JUST ENOUGH to live on. JUST ENOUGH.
04.01.08 (12:46 am) [
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lists
i've just realised that my last few posts were about things i need to do, things i want to do,and so on. nothing wrong with that but i've also realised that i've stopped being so bitchy about people. i do still complain once in a while if i something displeases me, and yes that includes people who have displeased me. (WAAA self-reflection) but whatever.
there's not much to complain really. besides the fact that i'm poor most of the time here since a huge amount of my allowance goes to accomodation. and yes i'm still looking for a job. SOMEBODY HIRE ME!
onto more interesting topics (for me at least)
KICKBOXING
ohoo...i started last week and i absolutely LOVE it. i've never tried it before but its so much fun. its a complete body workout and i sweat buckets after and its fucking tough but MAN OH MAN do i love it. i swear. and i love throwing hooks. thats the best part so far. i cant wait to start kicking. and my instructor said i'm like "a duck taking to water" when he saw my hooks :) OH SO PROUD!! and he said "you've done this before havent you? in a bar somewhere?" he said that last week AND this week. SO PROUD!
i feel like i'm not strong enough yet. YET. i really would like to continue with this workout cause i just fucking love it. i know i sound like i'm exaggerating and when you see me in 6 months i might still look like the flabby alli you all know (and possibly love/hate - take your pick) but i can throw a mean right hook :D
i've seen the guys in the more advanced classes. and all i can say is WOW. you do NOT wanna be on the receiving end of their kicks or punches. cause they kick/punch the air out of the bags. and it looks real intense. REAL intense. i'm so impressed seeing them at it. i think i just look like some deranged little freak who laughs and smiles maniacally the moment we start doing hooks.
i have no idea where i can continue with this in kuching though. i really want to. and i'm considering saving up for a pair of my own gloves and wraps and what not. its so awesome. maybe i've finally found a sport i like. so archery and badminton can SUCK IT cause i'm kicking and punching the air out of heavy bags. if anyone knows where i can continue this in kuching please let me know because i'm serious about pursuing this. but i dont see myself joining matches or whatever. i just like hitting bags. i feel pretty sore now, but i think it was SO worth it.
so dont nobody piss me off. now i gots the skillz to really kick the shits out of you. if you thought it was bad enough i can go ballistic when i'm mad, now you really got a reason to run from me.
if anyone else has ever wanted to take up kickboxing, i say GO FOR IT. you might enjoy it, and for all you know, you might be good at it.
as is customary on this blog, let me go on about things i need to do before i end this post.
- must do eyebrows
- must find bedside table
- must read up for lectures esp about that freire guy
- must buy groceries - now that the money has come in i can feed myself again
- must build up strength to kick the shits out of
people bags - MUST FIND JOB
oh apparently sheryll is on facebook. WOW! thats SO COOL! i LOVE SHERYLL! sure she'll pick you up and shake you to make you work hard in education courses but she is amazing. so much knowledge stored in her head and so many things to manage - how DOES SHE DO IT??
well thats about it for now. take care where you are and i hope many many good things come your way. but if i dont like you then that wish doesnt apply to you. may an opportunity for me to kick your ass come your way. or at least give you a bloody nose and a black eye. wouldnt that be sweet?
03.27.08 (4:14 am) [
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happy easter 2008
easter weekend here kicked off to a pretty awesome start with dee's DEELOLA BUNNY LOVE'S LINGERIE PARTY. many many thanks to dee for organising such a great get together/slumber party. good times :) that was thursday and on friday we had a little picnic in the domain involving fruits and booze. needless to say, yours truly got pretty smashed. i love my fruits, what can i say? crashed at hunnie's place since i was in no state to stumble back to my place. came back yesterday and took it slow here. no, i didnt have a hangover. but i did clean up my room, somewhat and did a little laundry. so now i gots clean clothes again, yay! i'm gross like that, i know.
next thing to do, get a job to finance my ridiculously poor student lifestyle.
have a good easter, everyone :)
OH DID I MENTION I TOOK UP KICKBOXING? :)
03.22.08 (5:32 pm) [
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